I saw the sleep doctor yesterday....

Sigh. Although I have no symptoms of sleep apnea, my primary care physician and cardiologist want me to do a sleep test to rule out sleep apnea because that can cause AFib. Before the visit, I filled out a five-page questionnaire and responded "no" to all of the questions. No matter, let's do the test anyway to be sure, the doctor said.

But they didn't have any home sleep test equipment available yesterday; so, I have to go back another day to get it, do the test that night, then take it back the next day. Now, I know this is all for my benefit. I know that most people don't live an hour to an hour-and-a-half from the sleep clinic (depends on traffic). I know that for most people being away from their office for four to five hours two days in a row is no big deal: it is to me!

I would have figured if they gave me an appointment and knew I might have to take the test, they would have testing equipment available, right? Don't blame this on Mercury retrograde - blame it on poor organization.

Yes, I will make the best of it. I always do. I just wanted to share my frustration so those of you who have similar experiences know you are not alone. And, hey, the medical establishment wants us to lessen the stress in our lives and then creates more of it. Now that's funny!

In the meantime, my issues are light years better than those of the people in Texas dealing with Harvey. I lived in Houston for several years and graduated from the University of Houston. I haven't been there in eons, but still hold a fond place for the city in my heart. If you can help, donate some money to the Red Cross - even one dollar can help. I can't imagine the healing they face once they can move forward and the storm has moved on. Angels all around them......

Every day, a doctor kills himself

It's a stunning statistic: 300-400 doctors kill themselves every year in our country. And the number could be higher than that because it is not uncommon for the deaths to be called something other than suicide to preserve the reputation of the physician.

This week, I reviewed a book called "Why Physicians Die by Suicide." It's written by a psychiatrist who specializes in working with doctors who have mental illness. The book really opened my eyes to the inner workings of becoming and being a physician. True, every vocation has its rigors and stresses but most of us don't, as physicians say, bury our mistakes.

As patients, it isn't our job to take care of our physician. It is his or her duty to care for themselves. We can, however, be more compassionate in our thoughts. I know I am guilty of expecting my doctors to have the answers and when they don't, I get discouraged. Medicine is not an exact science and our doctors don't know everything even though they frequently act like they do. They are trained to behave that way and this is part of the problem.

Add the mental illness of depression or bi-polar disease and the shame doctors feel for needing to seek treatment, and you have the recipe for disaster. The book does offer some solutions. For us, however, I think it is mostly being aware and giving doctors a little more leeway to be human just like us.

Insights from the tarot

The tarot has been my spiritual friend, guide, and mentor for over 30 years now. Most days, I pull a few cards to see what the psychological or spiritual weather is like for me. Other times, I pull cards for specific issues or when I'm working with clients. Today, I asked the tarot this question:

Please give me insight into the healing of my heart condition. Here are the cards I drew. The first is the past - the energy that is leaving my life: three of swords. The current energy I'm working to heal my heart: the Hermit. The future that will come from that? The Knight of Swords. And the next step that will come from that energy? Queen of Pentacles.

If you know nothing about the tarot, you can read this series of cards since they are so expressive. The damage to my heart and this health challenge is passing away from me (3 swords). I am allowing the energy of my higher self and guides to lead me where I need to go and spending some time in retreat is helpful at this time (Hermit). This will lead me to some high-spirited efforts, some might even go against the prevailing winds or standards set by others (Knight of swords). Notice how he is charging against the way the wind is blowing.And the final place this will lead me to is one of peace, prosperity, creativity, and beauty (Queen of Pentacles).

To my friends who read cards, I recognize there are various meanings that could be drawn from these cards. I am going with my first impressions and found the reading to be very clear and supportive of where I am and where I'm headed. I am forever grateful to my friends in the tarot deck. They are always there for me and always give me deeper insights into my life and energy. Now I will spend some more time with these cards and see what else they want to share with me.

If you don't use the tarot or have a deck sitting around gathering dust, I hope this will inspire you to work with these energies. They are incredibly supportive, instructive, and spiritually insightful.

As I continue my healing journey.....

...I realize there are at least two very important ingredients to the process - willingness and openness. Not only do I have to be willing to heal and move forward, I have to be open to the hows that it might take to get where I want to go.

There are reasons for every experience in our lives. When something apparently negative happens to us, it's easy to go to the "what did I do wrong" place. I prefer to go to the "what's this about" place. Not only is it a healthier stance to have, it's a more valid one.

It's also true that we might never understand why we have certain experiences we do. Life can be deep and mysterious and sometimes we're called to simply accept what's happening, do our best, and see where the experience takes us. I believe it's also important to extend this same courtesy to other people.

We need to stop judging others, thinking we know what's going on for them or that we know what they should or shouldn't do. As a person who mentors others, I have found this to be critical. I have to be able to enter the relationship without any preconceived notions of what the person should or should not be doing, thinking, or saying. To do anything less is a disservice to them, their life experiences, and their abilities.

I now extend the same courtesy to myself and invite you to do the same. Let go of any preconceived ideas of how you should handle whatever challenges you're facing. Let answers emerge rather than imposing them on yourself or the situation. Not only is this more effective, it makes life a lot more fun and interesting!

I miss my brother

My brother Lou and I were very close for most of his 60 years. Only two years apart in age with him being the elder of the two, we experienced growing up together, something all of us share only with our siblings. I devote an entire chapter to him in my book Anything is Possible and won't go into details again here. Suffice it to say, he was a musican who died with his music still in him.

I'll never forget the day he showed up at my office wide-eyed and scared. He had just been to see a dentist, something he had not done in years. "They're going to do a biopsy and think I have cancer of the mouth." He was scared. I did what I could to reassure him and then walked through the experience with him until he died less than a year later. By the time he was diagnosed, he was a stage four.

Lou died ten years ago and I still miss him. I miss him being here to walk with me through my health challenge. I miss being able to crochet a winter scarf for him. I miss his terrible sense of humor. I don't miss his anger at the world and can only imagine what he would be saying about our current political climate.

Lou had the doctor-recommended surgery, but decided to forgo chemotherapy or radiation. The cancer came back in a few months and we were in his doctor's office to hear the results of a new biopsy. The doctor gave Lou six months to live and didn't recommend further treatment. Lou put his arm around me, smiled, and whispered in my ear, "I'll be your angel after I die."

Before he died, we agreed that he would send me rainbows to let me know he was near. I've had many rainbows sent my way, ones I know are from him. We talk. I know when he is near and when he's off doing other things on the other side. But today, I miss my brother and had to tell someone and that someone is you.

The doctors weigh in.....

After my heart stress test results came back "normal," I asked to have the cardiologist call me so I could find out what this meant in terms of my moving forward. It took seven days and a visit to my PCP who emailed her for me to receive that call. Even he had not yet seen the results - they had to go to the cardiologist first.

It began by the doctor saying, "I understand you asked me to call you." My sarcastic thoughts: Well, yes, doctor, I just went through huge efforts to take a test you wanted and I would like to know what the results mean. What I said: "Yes, I was told the results of the test are 'normal.' What does that mean translated into next steps for me?" I couldn't help but think she wouldn't have called me at all if I hadn't asked for the call and if my PCP hadn't emailed her.

There isn't a need for me to go into medical details here because the upshot is this. My symptoms are under control. The method she has to correct the initial problem does not work all the time and when it does, it is not uncommon for people to have to do it over and over to stay out of AFib. I am not sure I am willing to walk down this road. And there is still one more test coming up that she was not aware of - a sleep study to be sure I don't have sleep apnea which can cause AFib. I see that doctor on the 28th.

What I realize is this. If I want to heal the initial issue, it looks like I have to do my own research more deeply than I have and pursue what I think will work for me. I cannot trust that having tests to give doctors more data serves me. I will continue to keep the symptoms under control, see the sleep specialist, but otherwise I think I am pretty much on my own. My sister recently had the same experience. She took a test, didn't hear back and when she called for the results, the doctor acted like it was a huge inconvenience to discuss them with my sister!

So for all my readers who are going through medical issues right now, it looks like we must always retain control. I knew this. Now I know it even more.

Feeling uneasy this morning?

Me, too, and it usually precedes some sort of negative event. Do you wake up some mornings feeling uneasy for no apparent reason? Many people I know have this happen to them and it is happening to me this morning. There's an underlying sense of dread.

With the craziness going on in our country right now, I shouldn't be surprised, I guess. And it will be interesting to see what happens today. Lately, each day has uncovered yet another vein of nastiness running through our country.

On a personal level, we had a great Good Company lunch in Monroe yesterday - about 15 of us there had a great time networking and sharing what's going on for us. Today, I see my primary care provider and can discuss the findings of the test I had last week. I am hopeful we can actually begin to treat the original issue and not just the symptoms since those are now under control!

Whether or not you're feeling the unease I am, it's important to stay centered today and not let yourself be drawn into the negativity, fear, and anger going on. Discover your role in all of this and engage in it whole-heartedly without being drawn into the drama. Let's see what's uncovered today.

My Keeping It Real Show show you might want to watch

Today, I had the chance to interview a woman named Danielle Gibbons who channels Mother Mary. I asked about these issues of racism and hatred that we face today. You might enjoy hearing what she had to say. Here's the link to the show.

http://newspiritjournalonline.com/danielle-gibbons-channels-mother-mary/

Do you have white skin?

If you have white skin, you enjoy what is called "white privilege." Most of us who enjoy this status have no idea what it's like in the United States right now if your skin color is black, brown, or some other skin tone that isn't white. Just like heterosexuals had to start standing up for gays during the fight for equality (and still do), those of us with white skin can't simply tut-tut about how awful it is that white nationalists feel emboldened in their views.

On her Facebook page yesterday, Harriet G. Walden, who has worked closely with the Seattle Police Department to end police violence against people of color, asked everyone to call the White House today (202-456-1111) to tell the president he has to speak out against white domestic terrorism.

Another leader in the black community told the white politicians not to show up at black churches and tell them how things have to change. She said go to the white churches and tell them things have to change.

Go Daddy just booted one of their white nationalist customers off the platform because they were critical of the physical appearance of the white woman who was killed during the protests.

My point in sharing this today is to awaken all of us who enjoy white skin in this society so that we will find ways to stand up for all people of color. This is not a time to be silent or to look the other direction. Find your way to stand up and support our brothers and sisters of color. Find your way to speak out against discrimination of all types in all places and in all ways.

There are more of us who believe in equality for all than there are white nationalists and other such bullies. Unfortunately, the leader of our country isn't willing to speak out against these people so we have to do it for him. There are more of us than there are of him and his gang. Our voices can drown out his and others like him if only we are willing to speak up - not once, not twice, but many times until we live in a free and dignified society for everyone.

Drum roll, please.....test results are in!

Late yesterday, I received a call from the cardiologist's office telling me the results from the stress test were in.....everything is "normal!" Yay, and cause for great celebration. What I understand this to mean is that the blood flow through my heart is good; I don't have heart disease or clogged arteries.

What is my next step? I asked to have the cardiologist call me next week and I see my PCP Wednesday and this is what I plan to ask them. I am so ready to move forward, but I also understand there is protocol to follow for safety reasons. I also know that I exist on a level far beyond what they are looking at, so I continue to do my spiritual practices, knowing these are just as important or more so.

As I am writing this, the riots have broken out in Charlottesville, Virginia where the alt-right demonstrators, counter-protestors, white nationalists, neo-Nazis and supporters of Black Lives Matter have clashed and a state of emergency has been declared. This is so sad. At the same time, maybe we just have to get this hate and fear out in the open so it can be dissipated. If you're like me, you can't help but feel that it is our current president and his gang who are responsible for making these hate groups feel safe in being open about who they are.

Again, maybe this is a good thing. I do trust the Universe and Divine Mother to know what they are doing. However, it is so sad to think of the recipients of this hate which, truthfully, is all of us. Let's just keep countering the hate with love, peace, and understanding and do whatever we need to do to heal this energy on planet Earth.

Success - YAY!

Today I had the repeat of the tests I did last week. I told the technician I felt like this was Groundhog Day! The tests went well, the camera didn't break, and she told me "...it was a pleasure to care for you!" To which I responded that it was a pleasure to be cared for by her - and then I hightailed it out of there! Now I wait to hear from the cardiologist so I know the results and treatment plan!

Several of you had written to me and told me how much this blog means to you. I am amazed at how many people are dealing with cancer, especially women with breast cancer. Some are on hospice and wanting to pass on to the next world but seem stuck here. It is so easy to quote, "Well, we're not our bodies." And I certainly know this is true.

It is also very difficult to feel soul-like when your body is screaming for attention through pain, lack of cooperation when you want to do simple things like walk, or shutting down but not enough to die.

If you don't already do it, please add all people who are suffering to your daily prayers. It is great to pray for those we know, but let's include those we don't know as well. Enough studies have been done to prove that prayer works. Perhaps someone you don't know will feel a ray of hope because you prayed for them. And perhaps you will feel loved because someone sent you a prayer and an angel. We're never alone in this life journey even though we might feel like it sometimes.

Time to trust

If there has ever been a time to trust the process of life, it is now. The saber-rattling that's going on between the leader of the United States and the leader of North Korea is truly unsettling and I don't know anyone who isn't feeling a sense of unease about the situation. How does this affect our everyday life and choices?

Most of us are not in any sort of life position to make a direct impact on what might happen. We can, however, contribute to the energy that's going on. We can refuse to add the energies of fear and mistrust into the mass consciousness. We can consciously focus on the highest and best outcome possible for the entire planet, not just our part of the world. We can make sure we treat everyone in our world with kindness and respect.

I realize this isn't the same as being able to sit down with the two men who seem to be letting their egos run the show, but it is what we can do. We can also be sure to contact our elected representatives and let them know how we feel and how we don't want our country involved in another war and we don't want nuclear weapons unleashed.

Then it is a case of focusing on our daily lives in the most positive way possible and trusting the Universe knows what it's doing even when the situation looks scary and negative. And if we haven't been participating in the election process before, we can understand how important it is for us to stand up and be counted in every single political position no matter how small it seems to be. It does matter who's in charge at every level from the school board to the White House. If this doesn't prove it, nothing will.

Here's a little gift for you

Several people have commented on how calm I am staying throughout my current life events and generally that is true. It's called knowing how to be content where you are while moving towards your goals and dreams. Yesterday, I decided to give a little mini-class on my Keeping It Real TV show. Here's the link to the class - I hope you enjoy it! It's only 17 minutes long.

Mini-Class: How to be happy where you are now

Oh, and the technician called me yesterday - the camera is fixed and I do the test over Thursday! Hey, this time I know exactly what to expect and it really will be the walk in the park people said it would be!

"It's not just a number," she said!

My 86-year old sister lives about an hour and a half from me and we don't see each other often. I do, however, call her daily as her safety system in case she falls and needs help. As with many older adults who live alone, she won't use one of those medical alert systems, saying, "I have my cell phone and can call for help. And if I die, then someone will find me."

So, during our call the other day she told me a story. She was at her church, discussing the possibility of going on a group tour to the Holy Land, something she really wants to do.

"I had just said that I really want to go because I am 86 years old and might not get another chance to go. A younger person standing near me said, 'Oh, age is just a number!'" Oops - wrong thing to say to my sister!

"It is not," she said she told this person. "I'm 86 and you're not. You don't know what you're talking about!" Being a Scorpio, I suspect she said this very forcefully!

We discussed this for awhile because she's right. We have all these platitudes we spout to others and a lot of time we don't know what we're talking about. As someone else once said, an older adult has lived through their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's 60's 70's, etc....while younger people have not. The perspective changes as we live through situations as opposed to only witnessing or studying about them.

This isn't to say we have to experience something to know about it. That is also untrue. However, the point I want to make is to be careful when we are tempted to repeat some sort of platitude. It may or may not apply to the person or situation at hand. Think before we speak or a lively Scorpio might put us in our place!

I don't know how to tell you this.......

...but day two ended up being so bizarre that I have waited to write about it hoping that some great insight would come to me. But it hasn't, so here goes.

Maybe I should have suspected something was amiss when the technician called me two hours before my appointment to move it a few hours later due to the doctor being really busy, but I didn't suspect a thing. I used the extra time to get some work done, had a little something to eat per her instructions, and showed up on time ready and willing to have this chapter written and published (sorry, the writer and publisher in me just looks at life this way).

After waiting a little while, I was taken to the testing room where a wonderful technician explained what would happen and helped me get ready. Gown on, monitoring probes and blood pressure cuff in place, lying on a nice bed with my head angled perfectly, even warm blankets placed over me - I felt cared for in a way I hadn't experienced anywhere else during this four-month plus journey into the healthcare system.

Julie, the technician from day one, came and put the needle in through which the isotope material would be pumped. All was going well. We visited and laughed and had a good time. The doctor arrived and I said, "Ah, the last guest to arrive - thanks for coming to my party!"  He was taken aback and apologized for being late. I assured him all was well, I was just welcoming him to my party. He then relaxed and listened to my heart and lungs. Then he asked, "How long have you had the pain?" I said, "What pain? I have never had pain." He looked at the technicians and said, "Then why are we doing this test?" Uh-oh.

We explained the history. He seemed satisfied and after a few adjustments on the computer he was standing at, told the technician to proceed and inject the isotope material into my veins. Over the next five minutes or so, I shared what I felt as all three of them stood by, the doctor watching the computer readings, the blood pressure cuff taking measurements every few minutes (even the doctor got annoyed by that as did I), until he finally said we were done.

I had felt a little short of breath, my head hurt a little bit, and I had a feeling I called "fluttery" a few times - the doctor said that was a good description. I had no pain, no heart attack, nothing. The first and scariest part was over. I was told to get dressed and go wait in the lobby for part two. I thanked them for coming to my party, we all chuckled and parted ways. Part two was to be the same as yesterday's test except this time there would be probes attached so they could monitor my heart.

Here's where we get to the good part. I waited about an hour. The technician came and got me. I layed down on the funny "bed-trough," she hooked me up and off we went. Hands above my head, laying as still as I could, I closed my eyes realizing this was almost over and how easy it had been, just like everyone said. Julie said, "You're almost done - just seven more minutes."

And then.....the camera made a strange sound. It tried to move and couldn't. It made another strange sound. I thought, wouldn't it be bad if it broke and fell on and crushed me. It is big and quite heavy. Julie came over and tried to adjust it so it would move. She couldn't. She said, "I'm sorry, we have to do this again." Yes, I was annoyed - wouldn't you be? My arms hurt so I asked if I could put them down and stretch them out. Yes, said she, so I did. Julie started the test over. I thought to myself, "Just 20 more minutes and this will be over." As we neared the end of the test again, I felt it in my bones but told myself I had to be wrong. Nope, as we neared the end, here came the funny noise again.

Julie stopped the test with only minutes to go. She said the machine was broken. She would have to call in a technician. It would take a half hour for him to arrive to see if he could fix the machine. If he could, then we would do the test a third time. But if he couldn't fix it, I would have to do the entire day over again! Yes, the first part, too. Why? Because the isotope material they had injected would be out of my system fairly soon. Without that in my system, the pictures would be meaningless.

I went to the lobby where Rhonda was waiting, ready to go home. I explained what was happening. We waited an hour. Julie came out and said the technician had arrived and was working on it and was fairly sure he could fix it. Another 45 minutes later, she came out and grimly announced that although he had fixed the initial issue, now the machine wouldn't calibrate and couldn't be used. They needed parts and it would be at least early next week before the machine would work again. She would call me for a new appointment.

So: yes, it was easy enough, but am I excited about spending another day of my life doing the same test again (and not having my morning coffee)? No. Do I really want to do the second part of the second day a third time? No. Am I feeling frustrated? Yes. Because, you see, until my cardiologist gets the results of these tests, she can't/won't make a diagnosis and that means no treatment plan and that means my movements continue to be  seriously hampered due to the strong diuretics I am having to take.

And so, day two is over and life goes on! I am keeping my sense of humor and adventure; but, this whole process is definitely wearing a bit thin! All I can say is: stay tuned!

First test is over - now on to the second one

The worst part of this experience has been the not knowing. No matter how I asked the question, no one really told me what would happen during the test - at least not in a way that I felt confident I understood. I finally found some good information online and that helped. When this is all over, I intend to suggest to my cardiologist that she either point her clients to somewhere online that explains everything or give them a written handout.

I have a dear friend going through chemotherapy right now who posted her process on Facebook for others who might be facing the same fate. So, in case you know someone who might have to have a chemical stress test rather than one on a treadmill, here is what happened on day one.

The technician named Julie, had me sit in a treatment chair in a room with three other chairs. Only one of them was being used. She let Rhonda come in the room so Julie could explain the procedure. Then Julie injected some sort of chemical in my vein - like a reverse blood draw. It felt a little funny but didn't hurt. She waited a few minutes to see if I was going to have an adverse reaction and when I didn't, she said I could move to the waiting area until she came to get me.

Along the way, she showed me the room where she would be taking pictures of my heart. By this time, she realized I needed a better description than simple words would convey. I sat in the hospital waiting room and read for about an hour. She came and got me and took me to the room with the camera.

There was a long slim, grooved plastic  trough I was to lay in, on my back. First, though, she had me drink a glass of ice water - not sure why and I plan to ask her today. Julie helped me get into position on my back with a strange contraption above me that was the camera. I held my arms and hands over my head and she told me not to move for the next 20 minutes. She moved the whole bed I was on under the camera gear and the test started.

The camera-contraption moved very slowly, stopping regularly, from my right to my left. It made a little noise  but not much. During the 20 minutes, I mentally went through the major arcana of the tarot putting Yogananda's face on each card and letting him talk a bit about each one. It was fun! Of course, at one point I needed to cough, but made myself hold it so as not to ruin the process and have it start over again.

We were done and Julie showed me the room being used day two and explained it better. She said this is when "the rubber meets the road." Basically, they will inject me with chemicals that will make my heart race and think I am running. A doctor will be on hand in case they "need to give you the antidote." Then I rest awhile and they take more pictures.

Sounds doable! If I have a near-death experience, I'll let you know what sort of light I see and who comes to greet me! I'll let you know how it goes on day two!

I'm having some tests this week

So far in my healing journey, the focus has been on getting stable and now my cardiologist wants me to have a chemical stress test so she can find out what's going on. A chemical stress test is like a regular stress test except instead of running on a treadmill, chemicals are used to make your heart think it is running. A friend of mine says she knows two people who have had this test who have said it is easy and "no big deal." I take comfort in that.

When I found myself starting to get stressed about the stress test, I decided to change how I'm viewing it. Instead of being afraid and nervous - who wants chemicals pumped into their veins - I would approach it as a researcher. I will take the witness approach, watch what's happening, so I can report back to you! This will make the stress test less stressful, I think!

It will be fun if all the woo-woo things I have been doing have changed things enough that the test shows I don't have any problems at all. I feel great and I know this has happened for other people, so why not me? The test is  a two-day affair, a few hours on Wednesday and Thursday, and I will let you know what happens - if you want to send some supportive energy, it is welcomed!