I saw my doctor yesterday....

...and he is very happy with me. My symptoms are under control and my Doc is pleased with the system I am using to keep track of what's going on. I like it when he is happy; he is such a great guy. Now, I am working on the original issue that caused the symptoms. I told him I don't want to do some of the treatment protocols available to me and he agrees. I am going to use my metaphysical and spiritual tools instead (as I have been doing all along) and he agrees to my plans.

We talked a bit and he shared a concept he recently learned and is using for himself. A teacher he is studying with said that when we focus on negative things or ideas, they stay with us - they get embedded into our systems. When we focus on something positive, though, it doesn't stay with us when we focus on it briefly. We have to focus on it for around 16 seconds or more (Abraham students - remember the 17 second rule?), so the positive energy stays with us.

So, my doctor says, when he looks at the snow-covered mountains or something else beautiful and positive he focuses on it and breathes five or six times to be sure it stays with him. I wanted to share this with you because I intend to start doing this and thought you might like to consider it as well.

There's sure a lot of negatives to focus on right now. Let's change that and spend our time seeing and breathing in the positives that are all around us. Then we will be better equipped to handle whatever comes our way!

Isn’t it the simple things?

As our lives have become more complex with various technologies and opportunities, it’s truly the simple things that bring us the most joy. From looking at a flower to star-gazing, petting our companion animals or enjoying the crunch of biting into an apple, these are the things that ground us and support us in truly enjoying life.

Don’t get me wrong - I love my iPad as much as the next person and there are ways that modern technology brings me great joy. In fact, I have a secret that only one other person on this planet knows about and now you will, too. It’s thanks to technology that I get to experience this joy.

One time as I sat crocheting with some fellow fiber enthusiasts, one woman said she had to leave the group early because she and her husband were getting ready to leave on vacation in their motor home. She had heard about a light that could be put in the toilet. The light would come on only at night when he approached the toilet and according to her, “...would help him not miss the mark!” We all chuckled and wished her well trying to find one of these lights.

Was I amazed when, not long after this, I was in a store and saw one of these lights. It not only made light so one could easily see the toilet bowl in the dark, but it did this in rotating rainbow colors. Yes, I bought one on the spot and have been using it for almost a year now. It brings me great joy when I get up during the night, go into the bathroom, and my toilet bowl lights up with rotating rainbow light. Makes me smile every time.

What simple things or experiences bring you joy and make you smile? Focus more on these instead of the more complicated goals you’re working towards and watch those become more simplified for you.

Merry Christmas-Happy Hannukah-Blessed Winter Solstice-Happy Kwansa-whatever you celebrate this time of year, enjoy! Happy holidays!

I wonder what history will say

Don’t you sometimes wonder what history will say about this time and all the events and decisions and laws being made and erased right now? I wonder how the little children who grow up to become the adults who have to deal with all of this will characterize this period of time?

Will they see it as a great period when the status quo was shaken up, poured out, and changed forever? Will they see this as a good thing? Will they resent being put in the position of having to deal with the debt being incurred, the rights being given up, the public lands being turned over to big business?

Most of the people who will have to deal with the long term effects aren’t born yet. I wonder if they are on the other side watching all of this and saying to themselves, “Well, I guess I had better plan on a challenging lifetime if I go back there now. What a mess!” Or will they say, “What a great opportunity to go back now. So many great situations I can be part of!”

Many of those in power right now are, in my opinion, acting like addicts. They are making decisions thinking only of the short-term and what sort of payoff it will give them now. Like the addict who only things of the next fix and how good it will feel, these Power Addicts are thinking of the next election and how much money they can get from their backers so they can stay in power. They are not thinking beyond four years and sometimes only two years.

The decisions they make now will affect us and the planet and our children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren for generations to come. I wonder how we can help them begin to let go of their addiction and think in a bigger picture. Or is that impossible?

A surprise for me

I knew it was getting close and had even planned for it and then it happened this morning: time for a new journal! This might be just ho-hum for you - “Geez, Krysta, what’s the big deal?” The big deal is that I began this last journal March 17, 2017 - nine months ago. There are women who carried fetuses this entire time and are now giving birth to babies!

Over the years, I have filled hundreds of journals and destroyed most of them. I like to go through completed journals, glean the wisdom I unearthed, and then let go of the energies they hold. I didn’t used to do this and one day discovered I was lugging around over 20 years worth of journals in a trunk that had belonged to my mother. It took awhile to let go of them and I eventually quit re-reading them when I realized how much whining was mixed in with the wisdom. Did I really need to go through all that again? No.

I glanced back at the last nine months and can see how much I’ve grown and how my understanding of some issues has deepened. I also see areas where not much has changed and now ask, “Does this need to change? Maybe not.”

When I work with clients, I suggest they keep a journal if they aren’t doing so. It can be confusing if you let yourself believe there is any one “right” way to journal. There isn’t. There’s what works for you. Just get a blank book and every morning sit down and write your thoughts. What happens eventually is the deeper aspects of yourself start sharing ideas, feelings, and processes - thoughts you didn’t know you had. This can bring clarity, freshness, and wisdom to your life.

Today, I close the door on the last nine months. Tomorrow I begin a fresh page in a fresh book and look forward to the new ideas and wisdom that will fall onto the pages over the next few months. And if you want to see my new journal, I posted a photo of it on Facebook a few weeks ago. It’s got a purple cover with multicolored page edges. Very pretty and inviting!

I am living in the state of astonishment - what about you?

Every day, almost every moment of every day, I am astonished by what’s going on the world. It’s like someone put a huge spoon into the soup of our lives and is stirring vigorously, mixing everything up. Some days it’s all we can do to hold on and not be thrown out of the soup pot! Yet, I think most of us know that eventually it will all settle down - the stress can come from not being sure how things will end up.

Will we be happy with the outcome once the stirring stops? What if we’re part of a soup we don’t want to be part of? What if the Cook in the sky decides to throw everything out and start over? Then what happens to us? What if the faith we have that ”everything will work out” is wrong? And remember that what you or I might think is “everything working out” is the exact opposite of what someone else thinks is “everything working out?” What to do?

For me, I stay aware of what’s going on, I take whatever action I can, then I let it go and focus on whatever is at hand for me to focus on: my clients, the articles we publish on our website, my color of the day (it’s jade), the two corgis who want to have breakfast right now, the wind blowing outside, and the cool green laser lights my sweetie put up so I can watch them in the morning darkness. There’s so much more to life than the drama going on “out there.”

If each of us focused our attention on loving more, caring for our fellow humans, the mess on the world stage would morph overnight.

Using color to heal?

I’ve always understood how colors affect us in different ways. Especially when I studied with the Builders of the Adytum that focuses on the tarot and Kabbalah - color and sound are important parts of both of those systems. But the other morning, the use of color to heal was impressed on me in another way.

I have been reading a review book that won’t be out until February so I can’t give title or author yet. But the book focuses on light as well as the way various colors can affect us. While reading this, all of a sudden I remembered how I used to see colored eyeglasses in some metaphysical shops and had always wondered how a person could use them to heal.

In the book, the author talks about how having a client look through turquoise glasses healed her vision. I thought to myself, “I wonder if I could use these eyeglasses to bring my body and chakras into better balance? I wonder if color could help bring my heart back into a steady rhythm and heal my mobility issues?”

A few days later a set of seven colored surround eyeglasses sat on my kitchen table along with two books on color healing.

So far, I’ve used the green, yellow, and red ones, sometimes just sitting and looking through them while visualizing myself immersed in the color and other times walking outside with the glasses on. It’s too soon to know results which I suspect will be subtle at first, but I am keeping records of what transpires so will let you know what happens! Oh, and yes, there are rose-colored ones; so, some days I do look at life through rose-colored glasses!

Happy Thanksgiving and a gift for you!

Today, right now, I am sending each of you warm wishes and a huge thank you for being in my life. I don’t know who all of you are because I don’t have a list of who reads my blog! But I feel you there and I feel your support.

Because I haven’t done a good job of it, many people don’t know I have made several guided meditation MP3s. Well, I have! And to thank you for reading my blog and being in my life, I am giving you one of them free today. It is one of my favorites and whether or not you believe in chakras, I think you’ll find this little 20-minute process powerful. Here’s how to get your free MP3 until 11:59 tonight.

Go to anoasisforyoursoul.com/audio-video programs and put the Chakra Clearing meditation into your shopping cart. Check out and put HAPPY (all caps) in the code box. You will be sent insrtuctions to download the file!

I wish each of you the best always and in all ways. Thank you for being in my life!

Which frog?

There’s a story I was reminded of by Ananda Minister Nivritti at our meditation/study group this past week. It is a story told by Paramhansa Yogananda and one of my favorites so I’m going to share it with you here.

One day there were two frogs who were playing around in a barn and they jumped into a pail of milk. Uh-oh. The sides of the bucket were slippery and they discovered they couldn’t jump out of the pail. They swam and swam around in circles. Finally one of them said, “I can’t keep doing this. I’m too tired. I’m going to give up.” And he did. He sank to the bottom of the pail of milk and drowned.

The other frog was sad to lose his friend but said to himself, “There’s got to be a way out of here. I have to keep swimming.” He kept swimming round and round and then he felt something solid under his feet. He realized he could step on this and use it to jump out of the pail. He did and his life was saved. What had he stepped on? Butter - his swimming had turned the milk to butter.

The point of the story is, of course, to never give up. Just when things seem to be the most difficult or times seem the darkest, this is the time to keep swimming. Tell yourself, “Just one more lap.” For all you know, you’re making butter!

Sometimes I scare myself - do you?

When I was driving home from Ananda yesterday, I was listening to a talk called How to Love Yourself given by recently deceased Louise Hay, founder of Hay House and author of You Can Heal Your Life.  She explains that we can't heal if we don't love ourselves and then lists ten things we can do to love ourselves more. One of them is "Don't scare yourself."

We all do it sometimes. Even though my doctor assured me I can live a long life, when I heard I had a heart condition one of my first thoughts was that death was only a breath away - or more humorously, a heartbeat away!  Better get my affairs in order fast - I don't want my spouse to have to deal with all my books, journals, rocks, etc.... And my study is a mess - better get it tidied up. As Louise said, as soon as we feel a little pain in our body, we're already planning our funeral. We scare ourselves! We terrorize ourselves!

As a meditator, I have experienced myself as a spiritual being and I know that when I die, I won't cease to exist; I will just change form. Even so, facing the imminent thought of dying scared me because I didn't feel prepared. Mostly, I was concerned about the effect this would have on others once I was gone. And what if I haven't completed my life's work, whatever that is? Will this affect future karma?

For someone else, they hear rumors at work and decide they will be fired. Or someone's spouse looks at them sideways and they figure a divorce isn't far off. Or we scare ourselves by wondering if one of our president's tweets will start a nuclear war. In other words, we allow ourselves to immediately think the worse of whatever situation we're facing. We scare ourselves. And people who are scared can't heal.

The solution? Louise says to think of a person or situation that makes you feel calm and happy. It could be a person you know or a saint or your dog or cat, a waterfall or garden  - something or someone that makes you feel good. When you discover you're scaring yourself, think about this person or situation right away. She says if we do this often enough, we will eventually stop jumping to negative conclusions right away.

Here's one of my pictures that makes me feel calm and happy......

Let me tell you about Maggie

During the time I worked in eldercare, I had the good fortune to get to know people in their 80's, 90's and even a few in their 100's. Some of them were delightful people and others....well, not so much, as the saying goes. Lately, I've been remembering and thinking of a 94 year-old woman named Maggie.

Maggie was a statuesque woman who used a walker to get around. She was pleasant, had a great sense of humor, and seemed very wise. One day she took me aside in the hallway, looked me severely in the eyes and said, "If I die, don't you dare resuscitate me. If I have to, I will have NO CPR tattooed on my chest."

She was referring to a state law that said the staff had to perform CPR on someone who died, even if they had a do not resuscitate order on file. The reasoning was that only a doctor or EMT were qualified to declare death; so until that happened, we had to perform CPR.

I reminded Maggie that this was a law for which I or the staff could be held liable. Here's what she said to me.

"I'm 94 years old. I've lived a wonderful life. I know it doesn't look like it now, but I was very active and used to hike and climb mountains. I've had and raised my children who now don't have anything to do with me. I have inoperable lung cancer and I'm ready for whatever comes next. Don't you dare bring me back if I have died. Let me go. I'm ready."

I told her what a role model she was. Live life fully. Live out loud. Do what you came here to do and when the day comes be able to say, "I've lived a wonderful life with no regrets and I'm ready to move on."

The irony here was that Maggie still smoked cigarettes. Our community had just come out with a new no smoking in the building policy - residents had to go outside to smoke. Maggie would hide in her apartment and smoke in her bathroom with the exhaust fan on. The smoke would go into the apartment beneath hers. That resident would come and complain to me and I had to go to Maggie and tell her not to smoke in her apartment.

Her response was a wicked smile of defiance when she said, "OK." We both knew she didn't mean it. We both knew I would be back, asking her once again to take the smoke outside. I often wonder if one of the things that kept her going to 94 and beyond was that inner spirit of defiance.

I ask each of us: where can you live more fully and who or what do you need to defy?

What I learned by preparing to lead a study group

As I was preparing to lead the new Ananda study and meditation group we've started in Monroe, I realized something I want to share. I think I've written about this somewhere before, but not here and not recently. Here's what I realized and want to share.

The best way to learn something is to give a class in the material you want to master!

To prepare for the group, I had to go back through the book we're using: How to Awaken Your True Potential by Paramhansa Yogananda. I had to read it more slowly because I would be asking the people who came to the group to discuss the material. I had to read and digest it in a different way than when I was reading it only for myself. I took notes to help clarify my thinking and to help me keep the group discussion on track. All of this caused me to learn the material better than I had before.

What teaching a class or leading a discussion group does is imprint the material more deeply because it heightens our attention and ability to remember something. If you want to learn something, prepare to give a class in it. Even if you never give the class, you'll learn the material so much better!

In other news, I'm sleeping normally again and waking up automatically at my usual time. Some folks I know who love their CPAP machines think me a bit odd if not downright crazy. For me, it only proves once again that we're all different - and how wonderful it is to celebrate and honor those differences instead of letting them divide us. Now if only we could get some other people to embrace this concept of honoring our differences. Someday it will happen. I just know it will.

Victory!

For the first time in two weeks, I feel fabulous this morning. Why? Because I slept without the CPAP machine last night AND I don’t have to use it again! Yesterday I met with my doctor and told him my experience with the machine and how exhausted I was after using it. I told him I understand how this is a God-send to those who have the symptoms it relieves, but I don’t have those symptoms and never have had. I asked him to tell me what positive effects I could expect to see; I asked “What am I looking for that will show me it is working.”

He said, “Stop using it!” I was shocked. I fully expected him to tell me I needed it in order to have ________ (Fill in the blanks) results. He didn’t. He said I could stop. Take the machine back. That is what I am doing. We had a discussion about a few other things and I explained how there might be tests or procedures he and the “establishment” might want me to do but which my intuition says I shouldn’t. I am following my intuition from now on. He understood but also explained his position from the physician’s point of view. It was a great conversation and we respect where we’re each coming from.

Just so you know, this isn’t the first time I have told my doctor, “No.” And it won’t be the last. I don’t want to be a difficult patient, just a successful one. He and I just won’t always agree on the road I should take to get there. For today, I feel victorious - and rested!

Dark night of the soul?

When I hear someone reference the dark night of the soul, I tend to think they are being overly dramatic. Saints have dark nights of the soul - the rest of us just face tough times. Most of us have periods in our lives that are very dark and difficult but woudn’t call this a dark night of the soul. When I received Thomas Moore’s newest book Ageless Soul, I discovered this is his 26th book. I thought he had written two or three.

After interviewing him for my Keeping It Real show, I went to Amazon to look at some of his other books and discovered he wrote one called Dark Nights of the Soul, A Guide to Finding Your Way Through Life’s Obstacles. Hmm, thought I, perhaps there’s something here for me. Indeed, there is.

What if what I have been going through the past few years beginning with my fall in 2011, can be called a dark night of the soul? Instead of seeing all of this as something to be fixed or endured, is it possible the experiences since then are meant to be some sort of initiation for me? Is it possible I’m meant to reframe all of this as a life passage that is meant to initiate me into something new, bigger, broader? Of course I have thought of it this way somewhat. But mostly I’ve looked at it as a challenge to be conquered, the old “You can do this, Krysta!”

One of the earliest themes Moore introduces in the book is the idea of Jonah being swallowed by the whale and eventually being coughed up on land. Moore suggests taking this attitude, alllowing one’s self to be in the darkness of the belly of the whale, being carried who knows where, knowing you will  be spat up on land eventually. He is far more poetic about this in the book but this is the gist of it and I love the analogy.

After reading this before bed last night, I decided to just let myself be in the belly of the whale and see where I am being taken with all of this. What new me might be birthed by these experiences? Guess what happened this morning? I had just gotten up shortly after 5 AM when the power went out and the entire house was thrown into darkness. I live in the country so when the power goes out, it is 100% darkness. I chuckled to myself when I saw the synchronicity- truly I was in a dark night! For almost an hour, I sat in the darkness punctuated by the light from a small candle and said, “Okay, I get it. I can’t control when the lights will come back on so I will embrace the darkness and enjoy the experience instead of pushing against it.”

Now I get to apply this to my life. Being in the belly of a whale really isn’t so bad. I am interested to see where the whale decides to spit me out!

I promised myself I wouldn't complain.

So I am not complaining - I am explaining. Here's the scoop. As of last night, I have used the CPAP machine 11 nights in a row. The minimum I am supposed to use it is six hours a night. That is both for the maximum benefit as well as to make the insurance company happy so they will pay their 80% of the cost. I have met the minimum 10 of the 11 days.

It is uncomfortable, wakes me several times a night, and I have issues I didn't have before. I didn't have trouble sleeping before using this machine that is supposed to help me sleep better! I used to fall asleep quickly and wake up right around 5 am. I would get up rested and ready for my day. Now, I wake up around 4:15, happily take off the mask and go back to sleep for what I call "good sleep," hoping to waken at 5 but I oversleep until almost six because I am so tired. I am tired during the day and have not felt truly rested since 11 nights ago!

I know some of you who use these machines swear by them. I swear but not because the machine is helpful. Here's the deal. I think if a person uses one of these because they have a sleep issue, the machine is probably helpful. But if a person uses it without sleep issues, then I think the machine is not helpful.

Of course, I have to remember that the reason my doctor wants me to do this is because there is a chance this could stop my AFib. I see him this week so we'll see how that is going. If this can heal the original issue, great. If not, I really don't see the point in disrupting my sleep this way.

Sigh. All we can do is our best and I know the doctors are certainly doing what they think is right. There many come a point, however, when I have to become a difficult patient and say "No." And maybe this experiment will work and I will be happily singing its praises in a few weeks. In the meantime I think I'll start taking a nap in the afternoon so I'm not so darned tired.

I haven't shared this before.

Only in the last few days have I shared what I'm about to tell you and I'm not 100% sure why I'm sharing it now. Maybe it's because my odometer recently turned over and I am safely in my 70's!

During my 30's, 40's and 50's, I would look ahead to turning 60 and felt very positive about it. I know most people dread turning 60. I didn't. And not only didn't I not dread it, I looked forward to it. For some reason, I thought my 60's were going to be the best years of my life. Was I ever wrong.

Those of you who have read my memoir Anything is Possible know I've faced some interesting challenges. The last decade has out-challenged many of those situations. Yet, I survived them. Here I am with my 60's safely behind me. And I wonder what within me had looked forward to them so much? Usually my intuition is pretty good but it sure seems to have missed the mark here. But maybe the learning from facing the challenges is what I will eventually treasure.

Two different astrologers have told me that turning 70 will bring me to a new level of service, a new way of being more in the public eye than before. Both have said my true service begins in my 70's. I ask: so what have I been doing up to now - nothing?

And so, we'll see what happens. What new opportunities will present themselves? What new learnings will I have, new levels of understanding and ways to share what I learn?

Maybe sharing my journey with you this way is part of it? Oh, and last night was night six of using the CPAP machine. I'm getting more used to it but it is probably too early to expect to see results. My dog doesn't bark at me anymore and my partner doesn't laugh. Now that's progress.

My dog barked at me.....

Wednesday, I picked up my CPAP machine and that night was the first time I used it. Once I was all geared up and ready for bed, my dog took one look at me and started barking. My spouse laughed at me and I said, "No, you can't take a picture and post it on Facebook." I sat on the side of the bed and cringed. What had this all come to that I was going to bed looking like a combination of Darth Vader and a space alien right out of Star Trek? Google CPAP machines if you want to know what they look like. Thank goodness I have a sense of humor.

As I understand it, this machine is supposed to help me keep breathing during the night. This is supposed to heal my heart, my brain, and - according to some - create miracles in my life. Some of you who use this machine swear by it and say they wouldn't want to be without it. Others tell me they used to use it but stopped because it is so uncomfortable. I've only used it two nights so I can't yet say whether or not it is helping me. The first night I took it off after four hours. Last night, I made it a little over five hours.

The insurance company offers motivation: I have to use it at least four hours a night for 21 out of 30 days or they won't pay for it. I guess it is common for people to get these machines and then not use them. How do they know whether or not I am using my machine? Ah, they've got me covered there. The machines are very high tech. They record everything that happens while I am using it and then send the results over the internet to my account. Big Brother watches me while I sleep. Yes, very creepy. But also very cool because now I have an app on my phone that rates how well I am doing. Last night I scored an 82%. That plays right into my competitive spirit. Of course, I want to be at 100%! I'll keep you posted.

I'm disappointed.

There are several things going on for me that I feel disappointed about: my new dog not bonding with me as quickly as I want her to; the insurance company not yet approving the CPAP machine; the way the leader of our country continues to act without compassion towards our brothers and sisters in Puerto Rico and the fact that he is even our president. If I gave myself time, I could probably come up with a few more. The question I asked myself this morning was: what do I do with these feelings? After all, they are only feelings. They don't necessarily represent reality, whatever that is.

I keep coming back to the idea of acceptance. Many times in our lives, we simply have to accept what is while doing our best to cooperate with the energies going on. It is not within my power to open the president's heart and mind, to change him in any way. I have to depend on those around him to do their best to wake him up. And I have to accept that he is who he is and it is very unlikely he will change in any substantial way. The only hope is to have him see it is in his own best interests to behave differently - that might motivate him but I doubt it.

The insurance company is going to follow its procedures and I am not in the position of being able to change that. Truthfully, they are acting as quickly as they can, I am sure, and it has only been a little over two weeks since the request was made for approval.

My dog is who she is and although I am doing all the right things and she is a great dog, the bonding will happen the way it does. It isn't fair to compare her to my dog who passed over in November - we had been together over 13 years and had bonded deeply. I have to remember that bond took time to form. A young dog doesn't act in the same way as a mature one. I have to be patient.

One of the best ways I have found to deal with disappointment is to focus on the good in my life, on the things that are working, to say "thank you" to Divine Mother/Father for my life exactly as it is. I have learned that everything works toward the great good eventually, even when I can't see how that is going to happen. I have to do my part but other than that I have to let go and let God, as the saying goes. Life can be mysterious and, when I see it this way, life is also a lot more fun! I'm off to play fetch with my little dog now....

To-do or to-be?

We're all familiar with the idea of having to-do lists. Some of us have such lists and others don't, deciding to wing it every day. Although I have my to-do lists and find such organizing tools helpful, I have learned that a daily to-be list helps me have a more sacred sense about my day. Similar to the Mussar concept I talked about here before, focusing on qualities I want to develop on a daily basis forms a much more desirable bedrock upon which to live my life.

One day the quality might be compassion both for myself and others. Another day it could be focus or love or organization.

My personal new year starts in a week or so. This is the time I usually look at goals for the upcoming 12 months. I ask myself what do I want to accomplish in the next year in various areas of my life, personal and professional. This year I'm doing it differently. Rather than focusing on what I want to accomplish, I am focusing on who I want to become. What qualities do I want more of in my life and which ones do I want to let go of?

This doesn't mean I won't have goals in terms of getting things done - I have tons of projects I'm working and playing with. It means that my focus will be more on who I am becoming rather than what I am doing. The doing will flow from the being.

I invite you to try this approach to your day and experience what a difference it makes in how you feel about your life.

"My" crystal came home to me

I have lived, worked, and played with crystals my entire life and most intensely for the past 33 years. I have acquired hundreds of them, given some away, sold some, lost some, and have those who have been my mainstays during this entire time. I meditate with them, write with them, wear them in jewlery, and usually have at least one in my pocket. Crystals are beings to me, beings who can communicate with me and I with them. They have rock consciousness and when we can tune in to that, they are willing to share a lot of information with us. I know this sounds crazy to some people and that's fine. I talk to other supposedly inanimate objects and plants and animals, too.

A year or so ago, a friend and colleague of mine was moving and I felt inspired to give her one of my crystals. I looked through them, held them, and then felt one of them was the one to gift her with. It was a smaller, double-terminated elestial quartz - a stone that can be used for guidance, healing, and contacting the angelic realms. I didn't want to give this stone away but felt it needed to go and be with her. I gave it to her and forgot about it.

Two days ago, I got a box in the mail from this friend, opened it and found three gifts: a chaplet (similar to a rosary or mala), a piece of rose quartz (the ultimate love stone), and the elestial I had given her the year before. When I asked her about it, she said the crystal indicated it had done its work with her and it was time for the crystal to return to me. Now I understood my reluctance to gift her with the stone in the first place.

Here's where it gets really good. My birthday is my new year and every year there is one crystal that is my main one to work with that year. Sometimes I purchase a new one and other times a crystal I already have steps forward to be my special stone. My birthday is in early October and this is the time of year I assess where I've been in the past 12 months and where I think I might be headed in the next 12. It is also time to find out who will be my special crystal for the year. Yes, of course, this one raised its little energetic hand and say, "I am - that's why I came back now!"

Thank you to my friend who listened to the crystal and sent it back to me. We are having a great reunion and are looking forward to the work we'll be doing over the next year. I know this all sounds crazy to those who don't believe in or haven't experienced the aliveness in rocks. That's okay. You can just say, "Oh, that Krysta must be totally stoned out of her mind!" I guess in a way I am.

I'm doing it!

If I get the same message three times, I take it as validation. Three people, independently of one another, shared with me how much using a CPAP machine has helped them. Thanks, Charlie, Harvey, and Murray. That, along with my pendulum saying this is a good idea for me, was enough to convince me I should go down this path.

As many of you know, I am a huge believer in using and following my intuition and this is the way I live my life. Because of this, I also know how important it can be to validate my intuition when the situation is so close to me that there is a chance I am misreading the information. This is why I have come up with the three times rule for myself. It's pretty difficult to lie to myself three times!

I'm happy with my decision and now await a call from the company that provides the equipment so I can get started. One of the questions I asked myself was this: "What if using the CPAP machine heals my heart AFib?" That also helped me stop being so stubborn about the issue and get to my "yes!"

I'll let you know what happens as I move forward with this delightful life journey!

What will I do?

It's a mystery at this point. I'm honestly not sure what I will decide to do. Here's the update.

I went to the sleep doctor because my PCP and Cardiologist wanted to rule out sleep apnea as the culprit for my heart's irregular heartbeat. The sleep doctor agreed with me that I have no symptoms of sleep apnea. At her encouragement, I decided to take the home sleep test to make my other two doctors happy. The results came in. I have "mild sleep apnea."

Immediately, the sleep doctor wants to prescribe a CPAP machine for me. Not so fast, I say to myself. After doing some online research, I learned that some doctors recommend not treating mild sleep apnea this way. I have resistance to beginning treatment for this condition that, in my humble opinion, isn't a problem for me. Would starting to use the CPAP machine cause some part of my system to get weaker rather than strengthen it?

I got in touch with my PCP but he is out of town for a few weeks. I will wait to make my decision until I speak with him.

It looks to me like I have fallen into some sort of loop that doesn't make sense. No symptoms. Test shows a "mild" case that might not be a case at all. The establishment immediately wants me to start treatment that some say I shouldn't do and don't need. Is this how we end up losing our self-determination in regards to our health? At what point do we take the risk to follow our intuition rather than societal pressure?

I am quite sure the medical professionals with whom I am dealing are all good people. I believe they are each sincere in their own way. I believe they believe that what they are saying and doing is right. I also know they are subject to insurance companies and larger organizations who want to be sure they cover their physician "butts." Is this always in the interest of the patient?

At this point, I am taking no action. I am waiting for my PCP to return and will talk with him. In the meantime, I am getting better and stronger every day doing the things I am doing. Less is more sometimes. I think this is one of those times. I guess we'll see!

Go to the balcony!

I tell myself and others that when we seem to get bogged down in the minutiae of our lives, feeling like what's going on is so darned important, to imagine ourselves floating out in space looking back at  the planet. When you do this, you see what a small - although important - part of the whole picture you really are. This little exercise helps to cut down on the drama in our lives and keeps even the worst experiences in perspective.

Recently, I was listening to a recorded talk by Unity minister Rev. Annie Lonardelli, guest speaker at the Unity Center in Everett, WA. She talked about this idea in a different way and I love it. She was talking about having this sense of being the witness and said we need to view our lives from the balcony.

This allows us to see life in a better, higher perspective. Instead of everything being so gosh darned important, we can get some distance and, maybe, experience our lives with a broader perspective.

Especially if we're dealing with health-related issues where we have to be involved in tests, treatments, protocols, insurance companies, etc..., it is easy to be sucked into this world and forget we live on a much higher plane. Now, if I find myself starting to get pulled in, I tell myself: "Krysta, go to the balcony." Works every time! I reclaim my inner peace, focus, and big-picture perspective. It even works when dealing with my young dog Pearl Magnolia who isn't yet a perfect canine citizen. Give it a try, move to the balcony - the view is so much clearer.

Why doesn't it work?

It's too bad so many religions beat us up using the Christian Bible since it is a very good book with tons of wisdom. Many of us see ourselves as recovering Catholics/Baptists/Mormons (choose your brand) because the religion of our childhood used this great book to tell us we were bad, wrong, evil, sinful (choose your label here). One day we saw through this scam and reclaimed our spirituality. Too often, however, we threw away some precious teachings. Now it's time to reclaim those as well.

How about this one? "Ask and you shall receive?" How often do you ask and ask for something or some situation only to see it elude you time and again? Why doesn't this work? After all, it's in the Bible, right? Here's why it doesn't work - we leave out a very important part of the teaching. It says "Ask...believing....." How often do we ask or affirm something only to say to ourselves or someone else, "That'll never happen."

We have to believe and expect that what we seek can and is already ours. And we have to know there is always a higher Power handling things for us, a Power that can see behind our request and give us what we need even if it isn't what we think we want.

When it comes to the issue of our health, it's very easy to talk ourselves out of the believing piece, isn't it? Sometimes it's very difficult to believe our health will improve the way we want it to and, truthfully, it might not. We might not get what we want. How can this be reconciled with "Ask and you shall receive?"

We end each prayer "...this or something better, with ease and grace for the highest good of all concerned." In other words, we acknowledge that what we're asking for might not be for the best and we just can't see this from our limited human perspective. This is another way to say "...if it be the will of God." A minister criticized me one time for the ending I use and said I should say "...if it be the will of God." I think it is semantics because the will of God is for the highest good of all concerned.

We ask, believing that what happens is for the highest and best for all concerned - that follows the formula and that is something we can do. Why not give this a try next time you're praying for something and see if it doesn't bring you greater peace and sense of wholeness?

Is it okay to be annoyed?

We had a discussion at my house today. Several things had happened that I felt annoyed about. My spouse of  28 years thought I was annoyed with her so I made it clear I wasn't.

But then I said, "Look, I am not a saint and sometimes things happen that annoy me and I need to let myself feel annoyed." She responded, "As long as you aren't annoyed with me." To which I said, "We'll make a deal - if I am annoyed with you, I'll let you know and we'll deal with it. Otherwise, just let me be annoyed!"

I know I have written here before about the importance of letting ourselves be real and feel what we feel without being trapped. What I have learned is feelings are temporary and the sooner we acknowledge them, the sooner they pass through our system. It's when we don't allow them to float up and out that we are in bondage to them. This is true of positive and negative feelings.

Let's talk briefly about being annoyed. Sometimes, I get annoyed when things don't go my way. Sound familiar? My goal, which I sometimes meet, is to be able to experience all life has to offer with equanimity. No matter if things are going my way or not, can I stay in my center and simply let things be what they are without labeling them good or bad? And oddly enough, I have found this includes feelings I may or may not like!

Can I stay in my center and let the feelings pass through without the need to capture and feed them? Feelings are very much like stray cats: feed them and they keep coming back. Simply acknowledging they are there without feeding them allows them to go back into the woods and catch some mice for dinner.

I am no longer annoyed at the various situations that aren't going my way today. I'll deal with them as I always do and enjoy living from my center. What about you? Is there some feeling you're feeding instead of letting it go? Do you want to let it go? Great - all you have to do is say it is so and it is!

Maybe you use mudras and don't know it?

My friend and colleague Martha Norwalk shared a mudra with me, one that is supposed to help heal the heart. Because I didn't feel very well at the time and because I didn't write it down anywhere, I forgot how to do it. The other day, I remembered I had reviewed a book about mudras about a year or so ago. I don't keep every book I review; I give most of them away. I kept this one and pulled it out.

The book is Mudras - Yoga in Your Hands by Gertrude Hirschi. Mudras are hand positions that you frequently see statues of holy ones holding. Various mudras are said to elicit states of mind that can be enlightening, soothing, or energizing.

Sure enough, there are several mudras that are specifically for improving heart functioning. I chose two of them and have been using them daily. In re-reading parts of the book, I found a section that talks about the various meridian points in the body that are reflected in our hands and Hirschi writes about ways to relax or stimulate various parts of our bodies based on how we touch or hold our hands. It reminds me of foot reflexology and is fascinating stuff.

This led me to wonder about various crafts and arts we engage in. For instance, knitters and crocheters will tell you how relaxing it is to practice our craft. Crocheting is not only relaxing for me, it is very meditative. Now I wonder what meridians I'm touching with the various stitches I make. I know some of you who read this blog are musicians and others are visual artists. Woudn't it be interesting to know what's happening when you play various pieces of music or hold your paint brush or pencil?

Placing both of your hands in the prayer position in front of your heart is said to promote calm and peace. No wonder so many people and traditions use it! And the position many people use in meditation - touching thumb to forefinger - is said to connect us to the Divine. Maybe give one of these a try and see what happens for you!

Compromise makes the world go round

When did compromise become a bad word? In today's Washington Post, Senator John McCain calls on his fellow political leaders to sit down together and compromise. Truthfully, this is how anything of significance gets done. Somehow things changed and folks began to think they aren't effective unless they get exactly what they want and to hell with everyone else. The world doesn't work that way - at least not in a democracy which is what we are supposed to have here in the United States.

Ask people who've been married a long time and they will tell you they don't get their way all the time. Successful relationships between adults are built on compromise. We should expect no less from the people we elected to office. We need them to get systems in place that serve as many people as possible. We need the healthcare issue resolved. We need the immigration issue resolved. We need to create an atmosphere of equality and opportunity for everyone.

As John McCain did in his article, we need to remind our elected officials who they work for and who they are accountable to: us - not big businesses, not the president, not foreign powers or leaders. The only way they will realize this is by our speaking up and making our voices heard. It is so easy these days to communicate via email or telephone. If you can go to town hall meetings or visit your representative in their offices, great. If not, phone and email work.

Realize you might not get everything exactly the way you want it to be - compromises will most likely have to be made for the good of all. As long as we're moving in a direction that supports the vision and ideals on which this country was founded, we'll be okay. This will happen only if we participate in the process and make our voices heard.

I saw the sleep doctor yesterday....

Sigh. Although I have no symptoms of sleep apnea, my primary care physician and cardiologist want me to do a sleep test to rule out sleep apnea because that can cause AFib. Before the visit, I filled out a five-page questionnaire and responded "no" to all of the questions. No matter, let's do the test anyway to be sure, the doctor said.

But they didn't have any home sleep test equipment available yesterday; so, I have to go back another day to get it, do the test that night, then take it back the next day. Now, I know this is all for my benefit. I know that most people don't live an hour to an hour-and-a-half from the sleep clinic (depends on traffic). I know that for most people being away from their office for four to five hours two days in a row is no big deal: it is to me!

I would have figured if they gave me an appointment and knew I might have to take the test, they would have testing equipment available, right? Don't blame this on Mercury retrograde - blame it on poor organization.

Yes, I will make the best of it. I always do. I just wanted to share my frustration so those of you who have similar experiences know you are not alone. And, hey, the medical establishment wants us to lessen the stress in our lives and then creates more of it. Now that's funny!

In the meantime, my issues are light years better than those of the people in Texas dealing with Harvey. I lived in Houston for several years and graduated from the University of Houston. I haven't been there in eons, but still hold a fond place for the city in my heart. If you can help, donate some money to the Red Cross - even one dollar can help. I can't imagine the healing they face once they can move forward and the storm has moved on. Angels all around them......

Every day, a doctor kills himself

It's a stunning statistic: 300-400 doctors kill themselves every year in our country. And the number could be higher than that because it is not uncommon for the deaths to be called something other than suicide to preserve the reputation of the physician.

This week, I reviewed a book called "Why Physicians Die by Suicide." It's written by a psychiatrist who specializes in working with doctors who have mental illness. The book really opened my eyes to the inner workings of becoming and being a physician. True, every vocation has its rigors and stresses but most of us don't, as physicians say, bury our mistakes.

As patients, it isn't our job to take care of our physician. It is his or her duty to care for themselves. We can, however, be more compassionate in our thoughts. I know I am guilty of expecting my doctors to have the answers and when they don't, I get discouraged. Medicine is not an exact science and our doctors don't know everything even though they frequently act like they do. They are trained to behave that way and this is part of the problem.

Add the mental illness of depression or bi-polar disease and the shame doctors feel for needing to seek treatment, and you have the recipe for disaster. The book does offer some solutions. For us, however, I think it is mostly being aware and giving doctors a little more leeway to be human just like us.

Insights from the tarot

The tarot has been my spiritual friend, guide, and mentor for over 30 years now. Most days, I pull a few cards to see what the psychological or spiritual weather is like for me. Other times, I pull cards for specific issues or when I'm working with clients. Today, I asked the tarot this question:

Please give me insight into the healing of my heart condition. Here are the cards I drew. The first is the past - the energy that is leaving my life: three of swords. The current energy I'm working to heal my heart: the Hermit. The future that will come from that? The Knight of Swords. And the next step that will come from that energy? Queen of Pentacles.

If you know nothing about the tarot, you can read this series of cards since they are so expressive. The damage to my heart and this health challenge is passing away from me (3 swords). I am allowing the energy of my higher self and guides to lead me where I need to go and spending some time in retreat is helpful at this time (Hermit). This will lead me to some high-spirited efforts, some might even go against the prevailing winds or standards set by others (Knight of swords). Notice how he is charging against the way the wind is blowing.And the final place this will lead me to is one of peace, prosperity, creativity, and beauty (Queen of Pentacles).

To my friends who read cards, I recognize there are various meanings that could be drawn from these cards. I am going with my first impressions and found the reading to be very clear and supportive of where I am and where I'm headed. I am forever grateful to my friends in the tarot deck. They are always there for me and always give me deeper insights into my life and energy. Now I will spend some more time with these cards and see what else they want to share with me.

If you don't use the tarot or have a deck sitting around gathering dust, I hope this will inspire you to work with these energies. They are incredibly supportive, instructive, and spiritually insightful.

As I continue my healing journey.....

...I realize there are at least two very important ingredients to the process - willingness and openness. Not only do I have to be willing to heal and move forward, I have to be open to the hows that it might take to get where I want to go.

There are reasons for every experience in our lives. When something apparently negative happens to us, it's easy to go to the "what did I do wrong" place. I prefer to go to the "what's this about" place. Not only is it a healthier stance to have, it's a more valid one.

It's also true that we might never understand why we have certain experiences we do. Life can be deep and mysterious and sometimes we're called to simply accept what's happening, do our best, and see where the experience takes us. I believe it's also important to extend this same courtesy to other people.

We need to stop judging others, thinking we know what's going on for them or that we know what they should or shouldn't do. As a person who mentors others, I have found this to be critical. I have to be able to enter the relationship without any preconceived notions of what the person should or should not be doing, thinking, or saying. To do anything less is a disservice to them, their life experiences, and their abilities.

I now extend the same courtesy to myself and invite you to do the same. Let go of any preconceived ideas of how you should handle whatever challenges you're facing. Let answers emerge rather than imposing them on yourself or the situation. Not only is this more effective, it makes life a lot more fun and interesting!

I miss my brother

My brother Lou and I were very close for most of his 60 years. Only two years apart in age with him being the elder of the two, we experienced growing up together, something all of us share only with our siblings. I devote an entire chapter to him in my book Anything is Possible and won't go into details again here. Suffice it to say, he was a musican who died with his music still in him.

I'll never forget the day he showed up at my office wide-eyed and scared. He had just been to see a dentist, something he had not done in years. "They're going to do a biopsy and think I have cancer of the mouth." He was scared. I did what I could to reassure him and then walked through the experience with him until he died less than a year later. By the time he was diagnosed, he was a stage four.

Lou died ten years ago and I still miss him. I miss him being here to walk with me through my health challenge. I miss being able to crochet a winter scarf for him. I miss his terrible sense of humor. I don't miss his anger at the world and can only imagine what he would be saying about our current political climate.

Lou had the doctor-recommended surgery, but decided to forgo chemotherapy or radiation. The cancer came back in a few months and we were in his doctor's office to hear the results of a new biopsy. The doctor gave Lou six months to live and didn't recommend further treatment. Lou put his arm around me, smiled, and whispered in my ear, "I'll be your angel after I die."

Before he died, we agreed that he would send me rainbows to let me know he was near. I've had many rainbows sent my way, ones I know are from him. We talk. I know when he is near and when he's off doing other things on the other side. But today, I miss my brother and had to tell someone and that someone is you.

The doctors weigh in.....

After my heart stress test results came back "normal," I asked to have the cardiologist call me so I could find out what this meant in terms of my moving forward. It took seven days and a visit to my PCP who emailed her for me to receive that call. Even he had not yet seen the results - they had to go to the cardiologist first.

It began by the doctor saying, "I understand you asked me to call you." My sarcastic thoughts: Well, yes, doctor, I just went through huge efforts to take a test you wanted and I would like to know what the results mean. What I said: "Yes, I was told the results of the test are 'normal.' What does that mean translated into next steps for me?" I couldn't help but think she wouldn't have called me at all if I hadn't asked for the call and if my PCP hadn't emailed her.

There isn't a need for me to go into medical details here because the upshot is this. My symptoms are under control. The method she has to correct the initial problem does not work all the time and when it does, it is not uncommon for people to have to do it over and over to stay out of AFib. I am not sure I am willing to walk down this road. And there is still one more test coming up that she was not aware of - a sleep study to be sure I don't have sleep apnea which can cause AFib. I see that doctor on the 28th.

What I realize is this. If I want to heal the initial issue, it looks like I have to do my own research more deeply than I have and pursue what I think will work for me. I cannot trust that having tests to give doctors more data serves me. I will continue to keep the symptoms under control, see the sleep specialist, but otherwise I think I am pretty much on my own. My sister recently had the same experience. She took a test, didn't hear back and when she called for the results, the doctor acted like it was a huge inconvenience to discuss them with my sister!

So for all my readers who are going through medical issues right now, it looks like we must always retain control. I knew this. Now I know it even more.

Feeling uneasy this morning?

Me, too, and it usually precedes some sort of negative event. Do you wake up some mornings feeling uneasy for no apparent reason? Many people I know have this happen to them and it is happening to me this morning. There's an underlying sense of dread.

With the craziness going on in our country right now, I shouldn't be surprised, I guess. And it will be interesting to see what happens today. Lately, each day has uncovered yet another vein of nastiness running through our country.

On a personal level, we had a great Good Company lunch in Monroe yesterday - about 15 of us there had a great time networking and sharing what's going on for us. Today, I see my primary care provider and can discuss the findings of the test I had last week. I am hopeful we can actually begin to treat the original issue and not just the symptoms since those are now under control!

Whether or not you're feeling the unease I am, it's important to stay centered today and not let yourself be drawn into the negativity, fear, and anger going on. Discover your role in all of this and engage in it whole-heartedly without being drawn into the drama. Let's see what's uncovered today.

My Keeping It Real Show show you might want to watch

Today, I had the chance to interview a woman named Danielle Gibbons who channels Mother Mary. I asked about these issues of racism and hatred that we face today. You might enjoy hearing what she had to say. Here's the link to the show.

http://newspiritjournalonline.com/danielle-gibbons-channels-mother-mary/

Do you have white skin?

If you have white skin, you enjoy what is called "white privilege." Most of us who enjoy this status have no idea what it's like in the United States right now if your skin color is black, brown, or some other skin tone that isn't white. Just like heterosexuals had to start standing up for gays during the fight for equality (and still do), those of us with white skin can't simply tut-tut about how awful it is that white nationalists feel emboldened in their views.

On her Facebook page yesterday, Harriet G. Walden, who has worked closely with the Seattle Police Department to end police violence against people of color, asked everyone to call the White House today (202-456-1111) to tell the president he has to speak out against white domestic terrorism.

Another leader in the black community told the white politicians not to show up at black churches and tell them how things have to change. She said go to the white churches and tell them things have to change.

Go Daddy just booted one of their white nationalist customers off the platform because they were critical of the physical appearance of the white woman who was killed during the protests.

My point in sharing this today is to awaken all of us who enjoy white skin in this society so that we will find ways to stand up for all people of color. This is not a time to be silent or to look the other direction. Find your way to stand up and support our brothers and sisters of color. Find your way to speak out against discrimination of all types in all places and in all ways.

There are more of us who believe in equality for all than there are white nationalists and other such bullies. Unfortunately, the leader of our country isn't willing to speak out against these people so we have to do it for him. There are more of us than there are of him and his gang. Our voices can drown out his and others like him if only we are willing to speak up - not once, not twice, but many times until we live in a free and dignified society for everyone.

Drum roll, please.....test results are in!

Late yesterday, I received a call from the cardiologist's office telling me the results from the stress test were in.....everything is "normal!" Yay, and cause for great celebration. What I understand this to mean is that the blood flow through my heart is good; I don't have heart disease or clogged arteries.

What is my next step? I asked to have the cardiologist call me next week and I see my PCP Wednesday and this is what I plan to ask them. I am so ready to move forward, but I also understand there is protocol to follow for safety reasons. I also know that I exist on a level far beyond what they are looking at, so I continue to do my spiritual practices, knowing these are just as important or more so.

As I am writing this, the riots have broken out in Charlottesville, Virginia where the alt-right demonstrators, counter-protestors, white nationalists, neo-Nazis and supporters of Black Lives Matter have clashed and a state of emergency has been declared. This is so sad. At the same time, maybe we just have to get this hate and fear out in the open so it can be dissipated. If you're like me, you can't help but feel that it is our current president and his gang who are responsible for making these hate groups feel safe in being open about who they are.

Again, maybe this is a good thing. I do trust the Universe and Divine Mother to know what they are doing. However, it is so sad to think of the recipients of this hate which, truthfully, is all of us. Let's just keep countering the hate with love, peace, and understanding and do whatever we need to do to heal this energy on planet Earth.

Success - YAY!

Today I had the repeat of the tests I did last week. I told the technician I felt like this was Groundhog Day! The tests went well, the camera didn't break, and she told me "...it was a pleasure to care for you!" To which I responded that it was a pleasure to be cared for by her - and then I hightailed it out of there! Now I wait to hear from the cardiologist so I know the results and treatment plan!

Several of you had written to me and told me how much this blog means to you. I am amazed at how many people are dealing with cancer, especially women with breast cancer. Some are on hospice and wanting to pass on to the next world but seem stuck here. It is so easy to quote, "Well, we're not our bodies." And I certainly know this is true.

It is also very difficult to feel soul-like when your body is screaming for attention through pain, lack of cooperation when you want to do simple things like walk, or shutting down but not enough to die.

If you don't already do it, please add all people who are suffering to your daily prayers. It is great to pray for those we know, but let's include those we don't know as well. Enough studies have been done to prove that prayer works. Perhaps someone you don't know will feel a ray of hope because you prayed for them. And perhaps you will feel loved because someone sent you a prayer and an angel. We're never alone in this life journey even though we might feel like it sometimes.

Time to trust

If there has ever been a time to trust the process of life, it is now. The saber-rattling that's going on between the leader of the United States and the leader of North Korea is truly unsettling and I don't know anyone who isn't feeling a sense of unease about the situation. How does this affect our everyday life and choices?

Most of us are not in any sort of life position to make a direct impact on what might happen. We can, however, contribute to the energy that's going on. We can refuse to add the energies of fear and mistrust into the mass consciousness. We can consciously focus on the highest and best outcome possible for the entire planet, not just our part of the world. We can make sure we treat everyone in our world with kindness and respect.

I realize this isn't the same as being able to sit down with the two men who seem to be letting their egos run the show, but it is what we can do. We can also be sure to contact our elected representatives and let them know how we feel and how we don't want our country involved in another war and we don't want nuclear weapons unleashed.

Then it is a case of focusing on our daily lives in the most positive way possible and trusting the Universe knows what it's doing even when the situation looks scary and negative. And if we haven't been participating in the election process before, we can understand how important it is for us to stand up and be counted in every single political position no matter how small it seems to be. It does matter who's in charge at every level from the school board to the White House. If this doesn't prove it, nothing will.

Here's a little gift for you

Several people have commented on how calm I am staying throughout my current life events and generally that is true. It's called knowing how to be content where you are while moving towards your goals and dreams. Yesterday, I decided to give a little mini-class on my Keeping It Real TV show. Here's the link to the class - I hope you enjoy it! It's only 17 minutes long.

Mini-Class: How to be happy where you are now

Oh, and the technician called me yesterday - the camera is fixed and I do the test over Thursday! Hey, this time I know exactly what to expect and it really will be the walk in the park people said it would be!

"It's not just a number," she said!

My 86-year old sister lives about an hour and a half from me and we don't see each other often. I do, however, call her daily as her safety system in case she falls and needs help. As with many older adults who live alone, she won't use one of those medical alert systems, saying, "I have my cell phone and can call for help. And if I die, then someone will find me."

So, during our call the other day she told me a story. She was at her church, discussing the possibility of going on a group tour to the Holy Land, something she really wants to do.

"I had just said that I really want to go because I am 86 years old and might not get another chance to go. A younger person standing near me said, 'Oh, age is just a number!'" Oops - wrong thing to say to my sister!

"It is not," she said she told this person. "I'm 86 and you're not. You don't know what you're talking about!" Being a Scorpio, I suspect she said this very forcefully!

We discussed this for awhile because she's right. We have all these platitudes we spout to others and a lot of time we don't know what we're talking about. As someone else once said, an older adult has lived through their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's 60's 70's, etc....while younger people have not. The perspective changes as we live through situations as opposed to only witnessing or studying about them.

This isn't to say we have to experience something to know about it. That is also untrue. However, the point I want to make is to be careful when we are tempted to repeat some sort of platitude. It may or may not apply to the person or situation at hand. Think before we speak or a lively Scorpio might put us in our place!

I don't know how to tell you this.......

...but day two ended up being so bizarre that I have waited to write about it hoping that some great insight would come to me. But it hasn't, so here goes.

Maybe I should have suspected something was amiss when the technician called me two hours before my appointment to move it a few hours later due to the doctor being really busy, but I didn't suspect a thing. I used the extra time to get some work done, had a little something to eat per her instructions, and showed up on time ready and willing to have this chapter written and published (sorry, the writer and publisher in me just looks at life this way).

After waiting a little while, I was taken to the testing room where a wonderful technician explained what would happen and helped me get ready. Gown on, monitoring probes and blood pressure cuff in place, lying on a nice bed with my head angled perfectly, even warm blankets placed over me - I felt cared for in a way I hadn't experienced anywhere else during this four-month plus journey into the healthcare system.

Julie, the technician from day one, came and put the needle in through which the isotope material would be pumped. All was going well. We visited and laughed and had a good time. The doctor arrived and I said, "Ah, the last guest to arrive - thanks for coming to my party!"  He was taken aback and apologized for being late. I assured him all was well, I was just welcoming him to my party. He then relaxed and listened to my heart and lungs. Then he asked, "How long have you had the pain?" I said, "What pain? I have never had pain." He looked at the technicians and said, "Then why are we doing this test?" Uh-oh.

We explained the history. He seemed satisfied and after a few adjustments on the computer he was standing at, told the technician to proceed and inject the isotope material into my veins. Over the next five minutes or so, I shared what I felt as all three of them stood by, the doctor watching the computer readings, the blood pressure cuff taking measurements every few minutes (even the doctor got annoyed by that as did I), until he finally said we were done.

I had felt a little short of breath, my head hurt a little bit, and I had a feeling I called "fluttery" a few times - the doctor said that was a good description. I had no pain, no heart attack, nothing. The first and scariest part was over. I was told to get dressed and go wait in the lobby for part two. I thanked them for coming to my party, we all chuckled and parted ways. Part two was to be the same as yesterday's test except this time there would be probes attached so they could monitor my heart.

Here's where we get to the good part. I waited about an hour. The technician came and got me. I layed down on the funny "bed-trough," she hooked me up and off we went. Hands above my head, laying as still as I could, I closed my eyes realizing this was almost over and how easy it had been, just like everyone said. Julie said, "You're almost done - just seven more minutes."

And then.....the camera made a strange sound. It tried to move and couldn't. It made another strange sound. I thought, wouldn't it be bad if it broke and fell on and crushed me. It is big and quite heavy. Julie came over and tried to adjust it so it would move. She couldn't. She said, "I'm sorry, we have to do this again." Yes, I was annoyed - wouldn't you be? My arms hurt so I asked if I could put them down and stretch them out. Yes, said she, so I did. Julie started the test over. I thought to myself, "Just 20 more minutes and this will be over." As we neared the end of the test again, I felt it in my bones but told myself I had to be wrong. Nope, as we neared the end, here came the funny noise again.

Julie stopped the test with only minutes to go. She said the machine was broken. She would have to call in a technician. It would take a half hour for him to arrive to see if he could fix the machine. If he could, then we would do the test a third time. But if he couldn't fix it, I would have to do the entire day over again! Yes, the first part, too. Why? Because the isotope material they had injected would be out of my system fairly soon. Without that in my system, the pictures would be meaningless.

I went to the lobby where Rhonda was waiting, ready to go home. I explained what was happening. We waited an hour. Julie came out and said the technician had arrived and was working on it and was fairly sure he could fix it. Another 45 minutes later, she came out and grimly announced that although he had fixed the initial issue, now the machine wouldn't calibrate and couldn't be used. They needed parts and it would be at least early next week before the machine would work again. She would call me for a new appointment.

So: yes, it was easy enough, but am I excited about spending another day of my life doing the same test again (and not having my morning coffee)? No. Do I really want to do the second part of the second day a third time? No. Am I feeling frustrated? Yes. Because, you see, until my cardiologist gets the results of these tests, she can't/won't make a diagnosis and that means no treatment plan and that means my movements continue to be  seriously hampered due to the strong diuretics I am having to take.

And so, day two is over and life goes on! I am keeping my sense of humor and adventure; but, this whole process is definitely wearing a bit thin! All I can say is: stay tuned!

First test is over - now on to the second one

The worst part of this experience has been the not knowing. No matter how I asked the question, no one really told me what would happen during the test - at least not in a way that I felt confident I understood. I finally found some good information online and that helped. When this is all over, I intend to suggest to my cardiologist that she either point her clients to somewhere online that explains everything or give them a written handout.

I have a dear friend going through chemotherapy right now who posted her process on Facebook for others who might be facing the same fate. So, in case you know someone who might have to have a chemical stress test rather than one on a treadmill, here is what happened on day one.

The technician named Julie, had me sit in a treatment chair in a room with three other chairs. Only one of them was being used. She let Rhonda come in the room so Julie could explain the procedure. Then Julie injected some sort of chemical in my vein - like a reverse blood draw. It felt a little funny but didn't hurt. She waited a few minutes to see if I was going to have an adverse reaction and when I didn't, she said I could move to the waiting area until she came to get me.

Along the way, she showed me the room where she would be taking pictures of my heart. By this time, she realized I needed a better description than simple words would convey. I sat in the hospital waiting room and read for about an hour. She came and got me and took me to the room with the camera.

There was a long slim, grooved plastic  trough I was to lay in, on my back. First, though, she had me drink a glass of ice water - not sure why and I plan to ask her today. Julie helped me get into position on my back with a strange contraption above me that was the camera. I held my arms and hands over my head and she told me not to move for the next 20 minutes. She moved the whole bed I was on under the camera gear and the test started.

The camera-contraption moved very slowly, stopping regularly, from my right to my left. It made a little noise  but not much. During the 20 minutes, I mentally went through the major arcana of the tarot putting Yogananda's face on each card and letting him talk a bit about each one. It was fun! Of course, at one point I needed to cough, but made myself hold it so as not to ruin the process and have it start over again.

We were done and Julie showed me the room being used day two and explained it better. She said this is when "the rubber meets the road." Basically, they will inject me with chemicals that will make my heart race and think I am running. A doctor will be on hand in case they "need to give you the antidote." Then I rest awhile and they take more pictures.

Sounds doable! If I have a near-death experience, I'll let you know what sort of light I see and who comes to greet me! I'll let you know how it goes on day two!

I'm having some tests this week

So far in my healing journey, the focus has been on getting stable and now my cardiologist wants me to have a chemical stress test so she can find out what's going on. A chemical stress test is like a regular stress test except instead of running on a treadmill, chemicals are used to make your heart think it is running. A friend of mine says she knows two people who have had this test who have said it is easy and "no big deal." I take comfort in that.

When I found myself starting to get stressed about the stress test, I decided to change how I'm viewing it. Instead of being afraid and nervous - who wants chemicals pumped into their veins - I would approach it as a researcher. I will take the witness approach, watch what's happening, so I can report back to you! This will make the stress test less stressful, I think!

It will be fun if all the woo-woo things I have been doing have changed things enough that the test shows I don't have any problems at all. I feel great and I know this has happened for other people, so why not me? The test is  a two-day affair, a few hours on Wednesday and Thursday, and I will let you know what happens - if you want to send some supportive energy, it is welcomed!

I caught myself romancing the past!

As I was making my morning cup of coffee (brand: Café Appassionato roasted in downtown Seattle - I enjoy it so much that I buy it through mail-order...), I found myself mulling about a challenging time in my life over thirty years ago.

Following an intuitive hunch, I had quit my job and moved to Seattle to start a monthly New Age newspaper called The New Times. I didn't know anyone, didn't have money or contacts to start a business, and did everything by the seat of my britches, following my intuition. It was incredibly difficult. I remember thinking to myself at the time, "Some day you're going to look back on this and realize it was one of the best times of your life." (I give details of this in my autobiography Anything is Possible.)

As time heals just about anything, our memories of the past eventually highlight the good things and the negative ones fade more and more into the background. That's when we romance the past! We forget how difficult it really was and sometimes we might even wish we were back there in time where we had felt so relevant, alive, and -yes- successful!

Once I caught myself doing this, I realized I could start romancing my new past - this era of time - right now. I don't have to wait for time to pass.  How will I view today when I look back five years from now? Ten years? Twenty? What positives will I ascribe to this era of my life? Why not go ahead and claim them as mine right now?

Years ago I learned the meditative technique where I got in touch with my future self and asked for advice for current challenges. Once I started doing that and enjoying the information I received, I began doing something else. I began giving messages to my younger selves, messages of encouragement and "You can do this; you will succeed; hang in there; it will all work out!"

Time folds in on itself. Time is a social construct and we don't have to be bound by it. What if  those messages I sent my younger self actually happened and were part of the reason I succeeded? What if I can now send messages to my current self from my future self, telling me what I learned and what I did to succeed with today's challenges?

Why not go ahead and romance the past that is happening right now? That's enough for my morning brain to digest. Time for that second cup of coffee.

But don't you teach positive thinking?

Someone asked me this the other day. She had asked me about my current health situation which, by the way, is getting better daily. I had explained what's going on and had expressed my frustration with the doctors who keep wanting to do more tests so they can reach a diagnosis they are comfortable with. In my view they have done enough tests, just decide on a treatment plan and move forward.

As I expressed my frustration, she commented, "But don't you teach postive thinking?" She was implying that I shouldn't be frustrated and I should just see a positive outcome and ignore my feelings. So, I replied, "You can approach your life in a positive manner without denying the reality of how you feel. It's important to express your feelings so you can have a positive outlook. In fact," I continued, "I think some people like myself who develop heart problems do so because we aren't always forthcoming about our feelings."

I could tell she didn't totally accept what I was saying and that's okay. Truthfully, I don't see myself as teaching "positive thinking." I see myself as a spiritual teacher and mentor who helps people live more fully on all levels of who they are: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. I help people live from a more integrated viewpoint and, yes, with a more positive attitude.

We are complex beings - oh, that life were simpler - and it is important that we accept and integrate all levels of who we are. And sometimes that means feeling frustrated and expressing how we feel. This actually allows us to release and integrate our feelings so we can move forward into our daily lives with greater clarity and purpose. This is much greater than positive thinking while also encompassing it!

Remember when I felt sorry for myself? Here's why.

When Rhonda and I go on vacation, we keep a low profile about it until we're back home. When I wrote the blog about feeling sorry for myself, here's why. I was in Maui and because of the very strong water pills I have to take twice a day, I was not able to go on the many trips and excursions everyone else did.

It was a stay-at-the-house sort of vacation. It was nice to get away, though, and I did catch up on some reading and did enjoy a few visits to some local spots. Here's a slide show Rhonda made of some of what she saw and experienced!

Maui Vacation

It was fun for me to see this, too! Hopefully on the next vacation I will be able to participate fully!

I can't-itis

How often have you started to do something only to hear the inner voice say, "You can't do that - you don't know how....." When I started my first newspaper The New Times, several people said this to me: "You can't do that. You don't know how. You don't know what you're doing." To which I replied, "I have never let that stop me before! Why start now?"

It is easy to listen to that voice, the one that says we don't have enough _____________ (fill in the blank) to do whatever it is we're inspired to do. Usually it is money, experience, friends, education, smarts, contacts - whatever! I call this I can't-itis. The cure? Do it anyway!

There was a day when you didn't know how to do the things you do today: walk, run, read, talk, pray, meditate, do yoga...if you let not knowing how to do something stop you, guess what? You'll never do anything! And what a waste of a life that would be!

A note to healers of all stripes.....

I'm going to ask you a favor not just for myself but for all folks you might interact with about the possibility of your being able to help them. Please don't tell people you can heal them through whatever it is you do. Not only do people heal themselves, but your particular gift may or may not be their pathway to healing. By holding out such hope, you only make the crash worse when you don't succeed - and then blame them!

For me with my mobility issues over the past several years, I have had a chiropractor, acupuncturist, and hands-on healer tell me they could heal my issue. They didn't and then claimed it was me, not them. LOL All three of them talked really big when they wanted me to let them work on me - oh, yes, "this is what I do," said the chiropractor. Same thing for the acupuncturist - "you will see results in three sessions" at $100 a session.

Anyway, just sharing this - if the shoe fits, put it on. If not, bless you! Healing can be such a complex matter and we don't always know what will or will not help someone. All we can do is offer our services, encourage the person to participate with their own energies, and then trust the process of life to carry things forward in the best possible way.

A side effect......

.....of the medications I'm taking is a general loss of appetite. For someone who has spent the majority of her life having to deny herself food because of having an abundantly-sized body, this is definitely strange. Last night I was at a restaurant and not only didn't anything on the menu appeal to me, after ordering an insignificant appetizer, I ate only about a third of it.

I'm not complaining. As I told a good friend of mine, "It is really easy to lose weight when you're not hungry." I guess that was the point of "diet pills" in the 70's - also known as amphetamines or speed! Mine don't have the effect of giving me energy - they just take the edge off my appetite.

The cardiologist said my heart issues don't have anything to do with my weight, but it is fun to have some weight loss as a side effect! It's also been fun to watch as the excess fluids in my body left - I lost 21 pounds in two weeks - I know it wasn't true weight but, again, for someone who has dealt with this issue her whole life it sure was fun to see weight loss on the scale daily!

Fortunately, I've mostly gotten to the point where I accept my natural body size and encourage others to do so. And for goodness sakes don't develop heart issues as a weight-loss strategy!

Is enlightenment using both sides of the brain - at the same time?

If you have walked the spiritual path any time at all, you will have heard about what is called practicing the Presence at all times, even when in the midst of daily activities. The well-loved Bhagavad Gita talks about this as does the Christian Bible. We're being told to go about our daily business while also staying focused on the Divine. Hmmm....sounds like using both sides of our brain at the same time.

As I was thinking about this, it dawned on me that artistic/creative pursuits require this dual focus. For instance, when I played the piano and learned a new piece, I had to use my left brain to read the music, learn the rhythm and notes, and memorize the piece so I could play it without needing to use the printed score. Ah...this is when it got interesting!

Once a piece was memorized and safely stored in my memory muscle, then the true playing began. This is when I could express myself spiritually and emotionally. This is when playing the piano became an extension of myself and I was able to communicate to others what I felt and what the music meant to me. To do this required using both sides of my brain at the same time.

Maybe this is the creative bliss we hear musicians and artists talking about - being in the zone. Maybe it isn't so difficult to practice the Presence and reach enlightenment after all. Maybe we make it too difficult on ourselves. Just some random thoughts to chew on. Me? I'm going to grab the ukulele and learn some new chords so someday I might be able to play with my right brain!

Sometimes it's okay to feel sorry for yourself

This is sort of a follow-up to the blog I wrote about patience and comparing ourselves to other people. When things don't go our way as quickly as we wish they would or when we see other people seeming to have or be more than we are, it's easy to feel sorry for ourselves. If only things were different somehow, we'd feel better. And I say, "not necessarily."

We can't know our reactions or responses to situations that haven't happened - sometimes we surprise ourselves by being a better or worse person than we thought we'd be. That's why everything that happens in our lives offers an opportunity for growth and understanding. We get the chance to see who we really are.

Although that might read like a call to nobility, it isn't. It's a call to allowing ourselves to be human and spiritual beings having both a human and spiritual experience. And sometimes the human experience just plain sucks. And sometimes the correct human response is to feel sorry for ourselves or to be sad that things are the way they are. Then the nobility and spirituality can kick in and we can move forward.

Yes, saints and other holy people can get there faster than I can and I can get there faster now that I could years ago. I remember something that happened with Paramhansa Yogananda and some of his devotees. He asked them to do something that was very difficult. One of the students said, "It's easy for YOU to do this but not for us - you're a Master." Yogananda raised his voice and responded, "And how do you think I became a Master?"

If you need to feel sorry for yourself, go ahead. Just set a time limit on it, learn whatever is there for you, and then move on. I'll bet even the saintliest among us does that sometimes!

Give me patience and give it to me right now!

Many things in this world move with their own timeframe and there is little to nothing we can do about it. Same thing with the people in our lives. Each of them has their own rhythm just like we do. I know you know this. I know this. So why do we keep being impatient, wanting the eggs to hatch today and not next week? The eggs are going to hatch when they hatch and not a second sooner.

This is similar to comparing ourselves to other people and their journeys. Each of us has our own life to lead and comparing our progress to that of our neighbor does not help in the least. In fact, when Jyotish and Devi  from Ananda were in Seattle last month they listed this as the number one thing that could keep a person from moving forward on their spiritual path. It's like taking a test: keep your eyes on your own paper, not on your neighbor's.

How are these two things accomplished? I have been very impatient lately. I have seen other people heal from their maladies faster than I am healing from mine. I have engaged in toe-tapping: when, oh when, will my "issues" be over? I don't know. The only thing I have figured out so far is to set my intentions on a daily basis to do what I need to do to move forward. Whether it is with my work, my health, or anything else, all I can do is set my daily intention and then follow-through as best I can. Maybe that is all any of us can do about anything!

Do you know your soul's purpose?

A review book I'm reading this week is "Discovering Your Soul's Purpose - Finding Your Path in Life, Work, and Personal Mission the Edgar Cayce Way" by Mark Thurston, PhD. You can read the review this coming Sunday at www.newspiritjournal.com - it is not my intention to review the book here.

I wanted to share some of the thoughts it brought up for me. Two different Vedic astrologers have told me that I will really begin my life's work this fall when my odometer rolls over to 70! If this is applied to my working life, I was and am left speechless since I have already had at least ten significant and different career paths! Some have kindly told me I have a checker-board past and I do. So, I have to ask: there's another career to unfold?

What I am enjoying about this book is the way the author has the reader make lists and not only of our positive traits and talents. He also has us list our weaknesses and faults because he says within those are sometimes our greatest talents!

Besides wanting to be a nun from a young age and accomplishing that by the age of 15, I was also a musician from the age of four and this was the first way I navigated earning money when I left the convent. No, I wasn't the singing nun! I was the piano-playing ex-nun. I find myself wondering if music will be involved in this new addition to my purpose?

Maybe it will have something to do with learning to play my autoharp better or learn to play my Native American flute? Or maybe it will have something to do with animals? Or???

I know I won't stop writing or publishing or mentoring or teaching - and maybe what the astrologers are referring to has nothing to do with my work life? I'm staying tuned since this is quite an exciting journey! I'll let you know more as I learn more!

When in doubt, crochet!

For some reason I don't understand, I haven't crocheted in over five days. No wonder my hands and fingers have been twitching. Sometimes it is easy to get so absorbed in living our lives that we forget to do the things that bring us joy, things that have no intrinsic value other than making us happy.

For some people this is singing, for others it is drawing, writing, painting, sewing, knitting - or like me - crochet. There's something about feeling the yarn and the hook in my hands and watching how the yarn becomes a hat or scarf or shawl. It feels very magical.

Life can be like this. We take the everyday happenings of life and using our skills of attention, intention, love, hope, and compassion transform them into something that can feel magical. Here I go with a new skein ready to start the transformation - let's see what it becomes!

Instructions aren't always clear

Last night, we were trying to operate a coffee maker that belongs to someone else. There was no instruction booklet and there wasn't anywhere that said on or off. There were buttons to set the timer, to clean the coffee pot, to make a small pot, to set the clock, one said auto set, and one that said brew/off.

After several minutes of head scratching and frustration, Rhonda grabbed the iPad and within minutes found the coffeemaker online. She also found the instruction book. After explaining all the fancy things the coffee pot could do, it then showed a picture with an arrow that said, "To start coffeemaker." It was the Brew/Off button! Had it said On/Off we would have understood.

Lessons?
Instructions aren't always clear.
Sometimes you have to  work a little harder to figure things out.
If you're the one writing instructions, doublecheck with others that people will understand what you're saying.
Don't beat yourself up if you don't understand something the first time. You might not be the problem.
When in doubt, go to the internet.
Always, always check out the new coffee pot the night before you plan to use it!

I had a melt down today.

One of the reason I started this blog is so I can share my process as I walk through healing my physical issues. Too often we see people we admire or teachers or authors and we don't realize what they went through to get where they are today. When my autobiography Anything Is Possible came out, people were shocked at some of the things I have experienced in my life. I guess they thought I was born a spiritual teacher. It's important for us to know everyone goes through their trials and tribulations, not just us!

Anyway, something very real and gritty happened to me out of the blue this morning. Suddenly it hit me how much things have changed for me since my fall in 2011 gifted me with mobility issues - and now going through healing my heart issues. It hit me how I have to rely on others for help in some areas of my life and there are simply things I don't do any more.

I sobbed. I don't think I have cried that hard in a long time. Rhonda was there and comforted me as best she could, but that didn't change the realities of my life. Will things get better? I don't know. Will they get worse? I don't know.

What I have to do is accept where I'm at, go ahead and cry and grieve the losses, and then do the best I can. That's all any of us can ever do. I am so happy I can still work although I do plan to take a little more time off than I have been doing.

Hopefully, some great talks and articles will come out of this and, who knows, maybe there will be a sequel to Anything is Possible - we'll call it The Next Part of the Story.