For the first time in two weeks, I feel fabulous this morning. Why? Because I slept without the CPAP machine last night AND I don’t have to use it again! Yesterday I met with my doctor and told him my experience with the machine and how exhausted I was after using it. I told him I understand how this is a God-send to those who have the symptoms it relieves, but I don’t have those symptoms and never have had. I asked him to tell me what positive effects I could expect to see; I asked “What am I looking for that will show me it is working.”
He said, “Stop using it!” I was shocked. I fully expected him to tell me I needed it in order to have ________ (Fill in the blanks) results. He didn’t. He said I could stop. Take the machine back. That is what I am doing. We had a discussion about a few other things and I explained how there might be tests or procedures he and the “establishment” might want me to do but which my intuition says I shouldn’t. I am following my intuition from now on. He understood but also explained his position from the physician’s point of view. It was a great conversation and we respect where we’re each coming from.
Just so you know, this isn’t the first time I have told my doctor, “No.” And it won’t be the last. I don’t want to be a difficult patient, just a successful one. He and I just won’t always agree on the road I should take to get there. For today, I feel victorious - and rested!
Friday, October 27, 2017
Sunday, October 22, 2017
Dark night of the soul?
When I hear someone reference the dark night of the soul, I tend to think they are being overly dramatic. Saints have dark nights of the soul - the rest of us just face tough times. Most of us have periods in our lives that are very dark and difficult but woudn’t call this a dark night of the soul. When I received Thomas Moore’s newest book Ageless Soul, I discovered this is his 26th book. I thought he had written two or three.
After interviewing him for my Keeping It Real show, I went to Amazon to look at some of his other books and discovered he wrote one called Dark Nights of the Soul, A Guide to Finding Your Way Through Life’s Obstacles. Hmm, thought I, perhaps there’s something here for me. Indeed, there is.
What if what I have been going through the past few years beginning with my fall in 2011, can be called a dark night of the soul? Instead of seeing all of this as something to be fixed or endured, is it possible the experiences since then are meant to be some sort of initiation for me? Is it possible I’m meant to reframe all of this as a life passage that is meant to initiate me into something new, bigger, broader? Of course I have thought of it this way somewhat. But mostly I’ve looked at it as a challenge to be conquered, the old “You can do this, Krysta!”
One of the earliest themes Moore introduces in the book is the idea of Jonah being swallowed by the whale and eventually being coughed up on land. Moore suggests taking this attitude, alllowing one’s self to be in the darkness of the belly of the whale, being carried who knows where, knowing you will be spat up on land eventually. He is far more poetic about this in the book but this is the gist of it and I love the analogy.
After reading this before bed last night, I decided to just let myself be in the belly of the whale and see where I am being taken with all of this. What new me might be birthed by these experiences? Guess what happened this morning? I had just gotten up shortly after 5 AM when the power went out and the entire house was thrown into darkness. I live in the country so when the power goes out, it is 100% darkness. I chuckled to myself when I saw the synchronicity- truly I was in a dark night! For almost an hour, I sat in the darkness punctuated by the light from a small candle and said, “Okay, I get it. I can’t control when the lights will come back on so I will embrace the darkness and enjoy the experience instead of pushing against it.”
Now I get to apply this to my life. Being in the belly of a whale really isn’t so bad. I am interested to see where the whale decides to spit me out!
After interviewing him for my Keeping It Real show, I went to Amazon to look at some of his other books and discovered he wrote one called Dark Nights of the Soul, A Guide to Finding Your Way Through Life’s Obstacles. Hmm, thought I, perhaps there’s something here for me. Indeed, there is.
What if what I have been going through the past few years beginning with my fall in 2011, can be called a dark night of the soul? Instead of seeing all of this as something to be fixed or endured, is it possible the experiences since then are meant to be some sort of initiation for me? Is it possible I’m meant to reframe all of this as a life passage that is meant to initiate me into something new, bigger, broader? Of course I have thought of it this way somewhat. But mostly I’ve looked at it as a challenge to be conquered, the old “You can do this, Krysta!”
One of the earliest themes Moore introduces in the book is the idea of Jonah being swallowed by the whale and eventually being coughed up on land. Moore suggests taking this attitude, alllowing one’s self to be in the darkness of the belly of the whale, being carried who knows where, knowing you will be spat up on land eventually. He is far more poetic about this in the book but this is the gist of it and I love the analogy.
After reading this before bed last night, I decided to just let myself be in the belly of the whale and see where I am being taken with all of this. What new me might be birthed by these experiences? Guess what happened this morning? I had just gotten up shortly after 5 AM when the power went out and the entire house was thrown into darkness. I live in the country so when the power goes out, it is 100% darkness. I chuckled to myself when I saw the synchronicity- truly I was in a dark night! For almost an hour, I sat in the darkness punctuated by the light from a small candle and said, “Okay, I get it. I can’t control when the lights will come back on so I will embrace the darkness and enjoy the experience instead of pushing against it.”
Now I get to apply this to my life. Being in the belly of a whale really isn’t so bad. I am interested to see where the whale decides to spit me out!
Sunday, October 15, 2017
I promised myself I wouldn't complain.
So I am not complaining - I am explaining. Here's the scoop. As of last night, I have used the CPAP machine 11 nights in a row. The minimum I am supposed to use it is six hours a night. That is both for the maximum benefit as well as to make the insurance company happy so they will pay their 80% of the cost. I have met the minimum 10 of the 11 days.
It is uncomfortable, wakes me several times a night, and I have issues I didn't have before. I didn't have trouble sleeping before using this machine that is supposed to help me sleep better! I used to fall asleep quickly and wake up right around 5 am. I would get up rested and ready for my day. Now, I wake up around 4:15, happily take off the mask and go back to sleep for what I call "good sleep," hoping to waken at 5 but I oversleep until almost six because I am so tired. I am tired during the day and have not felt truly rested since 11 nights ago!
I know some of you who use these machines swear by them. I swear but not because the machine is helpful. Here's the deal. I think if a person uses one of these because they have a sleep issue, the machine is probably helpful. But if a person uses it without sleep issues, then I think the machine is not helpful.
Of course, I have to remember that the reason my doctor wants me to do this is because there is a chance this could stop my AFib. I see him this week so we'll see how that is going. If this can heal the original issue, great. If not, I really don't see the point in disrupting my sleep this way.
Sigh. All we can do is our best and I know the doctors are certainly doing what they think is right. There many come a point, however, when I have to become a difficult patient and say "No." And maybe this experiment will work and I will be happily singing its praises in a few weeks. In the meantime I think I'll start taking a nap in the afternoon so I'm not so darned tired.
It is uncomfortable, wakes me several times a night, and I have issues I didn't have before. I didn't have trouble sleeping before using this machine that is supposed to help me sleep better! I used to fall asleep quickly and wake up right around 5 am. I would get up rested and ready for my day. Now, I wake up around 4:15, happily take off the mask and go back to sleep for what I call "good sleep," hoping to waken at 5 but I oversleep until almost six because I am so tired. I am tired during the day and have not felt truly rested since 11 nights ago!
I know some of you who use these machines swear by them. I swear but not because the machine is helpful. Here's the deal. I think if a person uses one of these because they have a sleep issue, the machine is probably helpful. But if a person uses it without sleep issues, then I think the machine is not helpful.
Of course, I have to remember that the reason my doctor wants me to do this is because there is a chance this could stop my AFib. I see him this week so we'll see how that is going. If this can heal the original issue, great. If not, I really don't see the point in disrupting my sleep this way.
Sigh. All we can do is our best and I know the doctors are certainly doing what they think is right. There many come a point, however, when I have to become a difficult patient and say "No." And maybe this experiment will work and I will be happily singing its praises in a few weeks. In the meantime I think I'll start taking a nap in the afternoon so I'm not so darned tired.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
I haven't shared this before.
Only in the last few days have I shared what I'm about to tell you and I'm not 100% sure why I'm sharing it now. Maybe it's because my odometer recently turned over and I am safely in my 70's!
During my 30's, 40's and 50's, I would look ahead to turning 60 and felt very positive about it. I know most people dread turning 60. I didn't. And not only didn't I not dread it, I looked forward to it. For some reason, I thought my 60's were going to be the best years of my life. Was I ever wrong.
Those of you who have read my memoir Anything is Possible know I've faced some interesting challenges. The last decade has out-challenged many of those situations. Yet, I survived them. Here I am with my 60's safely behind me. And I wonder what within me had looked forward to them so much? Usually my intuition is pretty good but it sure seems to have missed the mark here. But maybe the learning from facing the challenges is what I will eventually treasure.
Two different astrologers have told me that turning 70 will bring me to a new level of service, a new way of being more in the public eye than before. Both have said my true service begins in my 70's. I ask: so what have I been doing up to now - nothing?
And so, we'll see what happens. What new opportunities will present themselves? What new learnings will I have, new levels of understanding and ways to share what I learn?
Maybe sharing my journey with you this way is part of it? Oh, and last night was night six of using the CPAP machine. I'm getting more used to it but it is probably too early to expect to see results. My dog doesn't bark at me anymore and my partner doesn't laugh. Now that's progress.
During my 30's, 40's and 50's, I would look ahead to turning 60 and felt very positive about it. I know most people dread turning 60. I didn't. And not only didn't I not dread it, I looked forward to it. For some reason, I thought my 60's were going to be the best years of my life. Was I ever wrong.
Those of you who have read my memoir Anything is Possible know I've faced some interesting challenges. The last decade has out-challenged many of those situations. Yet, I survived them. Here I am with my 60's safely behind me. And I wonder what within me had looked forward to them so much? Usually my intuition is pretty good but it sure seems to have missed the mark here. But maybe the learning from facing the challenges is what I will eventually treasure.
Two different astrologers have told me that turning 70 will bring me to a new level of service, a new way of being more in the public eye than before. Both have said my true service begins in my 70's. I ask: so what have I been doing up to now - nothing?
And so, we'll see what happens. What new opportunities will present themselves? What new learnings will I have, new levels of understanding and ways to share what I learn?
Maybe sharing my journey with you this way is part of it? Oh, and last night was night six of using the CPAP machine. I'm getting more used to it but it is probably too early to expect to see results. My dog doesn't bark at me anymore and my partner doesn't laugh. Now that's progress.
Friday, October 6, 2017
My dog barked at me.....
Wednesday, I picked up my CPAP machine and that night was the first time I used it. Once I was all geared up and ready for bed, my dog took one look at me and started barking. My spouse laughed at me and I said, "No, you can't take a picture and post it on Facebook." I sat on the side of the bed and cringed. What had this all come to that I was going to bed looking like a combination of Darth Vader and a space alien right out of Star Trek? Google CPAP machines if you want to know what they look like. Thank goodness I have a sense of humor.
As I understand it, this machine is supposed to help me keep breathing during the night. This is supposed to heal my heart, my brain, and - according to some - create miracles in my life. Some of you who use this machine swear by it and say they wouldn't want to be without it. Others tell me they used to use it but stopped because it is so uncomfortable. I've only used it two nights so I can't yet say whether or not it is helping me. The first night I took it off after four hours. Last night, I made it a little over five hours.
The insurance company offers motivation: I have to use it at least four hours a night for 21 out of 30 days or they won't pay for it. I guess it is common for people to get these machines and then not use them. How do they know whether or not I am using my machine? Ah, they've got me covered there. The machines are very high tech. They record everything that happens while I am using it and then send the results over the internet to my account. Big Brother watches me while I sleep. Yes, very creepy. But also very cool because now I have an app on my phone that rates how well I am doing. Last night I scored an 82%. That plays right into my competitive spirit. Of course, I want to be at 100%! I'll keep you posted.
As I understand it, this machine is supposed to help me keep breathing during the night. This is supposed to heal my heart, my brain, and - according to some - create miracles in my life. Some of you who use this machine swear by it and say they wouldn't want to be without it. Others tell me they used to use it but stopped because it is so uncomfortable. I've only used it two nights so I can't yet say whether or not it is helping me. The first night I took it off after four hours. Last night, I made it a little over five hours.
The insurance company offers motivation: I have to use it at least four hours a night for 21 out of 30 days or they won't pay for it. I guess it is common for people to get these machines and then not use them. How do they know whether or not I am using my machine? Ah, they've got me covered there. The machines are very high tech. They record everything that happens while I am using it and then send the results over the internet to my account. Big Brother watches me while I sleep. Yes, very creepy. But also very cool because now I have an app on my phone that rates how well I am doing. Last night I scored an 82%. That plays right into my competitive spirit. Of course, I want to be at 100%! I'll keep you posted.
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