I'm disappointed.

There are several things going on for me that I feel disappointed about: my new dog not bonding with me as quickly as I want her to; the insurance company not yet approving the CPAP machine; the way the leader of our country continues to act without compassion towards our brothers and sisters in Puerto Rico and the fact that he is even our president. If I gave myself time, I could probably come up with a few more. The question I asked myself this morning was: what do I do with these feelings? After all, they are only feelings. They don't necessarily represent reality, whatever that is.

I keep coming back to the idea of acceptance. Many times in our lives, we simply have to accept what is while doing our best to cooperate with the energies going on. It is not within my power to open the president's heart and mind, to change him in any way. I have to depend on those around him to do their best to wake him up. And I have to accept that he is who he is and it is very unlikely he will change in any substantial way. The only hope is to have him see it is in his own best interests to behave differently - that might motivate him but I doubt it.

The insurance company is going to follow its procedures and I am not in the position of being able to change that. Truthfully, they are acting as quickly as they can, I am sure, and it has only been a little over two weeks since the request was made for approval.

My dog is who she is and although I am doing all the right things and she is a great dog, the bonding will happen the way it does. It isn't fair to compare her to my dog who passed over in November - we had been together over 13 years and had bonded deeply. I have to remember that bond took time to form. A young dog doesn't act in the same way as a mature one. I have to be patient.

One of the best ways I have found to deal with disappointment is to focus on the good in my life, on the things that are working, to say "thank you" to Divine Mother/Father for my life exactly as it is. I have learned that everything works toward the great good eventually, even when I can't see how that is going to happen. I have to do my part but other than that I have to let go and let God, as the saying goes. Life can be mysterious and, when I see it this way, life is also a lot more fun! I'm off to play fetch with my little dog now....

To-do or to-be?

We're all familiar with the idea of having to-do lists. Some of us have such lists and others don't, deciding to wing it every day. Although I have my to-do lists and find such organizing tools helpful, I have learned that a daily to-be list helps me have a more sacred sense about my day. Similar to the Mussar concept I talked about here before, focusing on qualities I want to develop on a daily basis forms a much more desirable bedrock upon which to live my life.

One day the quality might be compassion both for myself and others. Another day it could be focus or love or organization.

My personal new year starts in a week or so. This is the time I usually look at goals for the upcoming 12 months. I ask myself what do I want to accomplish in the next year in various areas of my life, personal and professional. This year I'm doing it differently. Rather than focusing on what I want to accomplish, I am focusing on who I want to become. What qualities do I want more of in my life and which ones do I want to let go of?

This doesn't mean I won't have goals in terms of getting things done - I have tons of projects I'm working and playing with. It means that my focus will be more on who I am becoming rather than what I am doing. The doing will flow from the being.

I invite you to try this approach to your day and experience what a difference it makes in how you feel about your life.

"My" crystal came home to me

I have lived, worked, and played with crystals my entire life and most intensely for the past 33 years. I have acquired hundreds of them, given some away, sold some, lost some, and have those who have been my mainstays during this entire time. I meditate with them, write with them, wear them in jewlery, and usually have at least one in my pocket. Crystals are beings to me, beings who can communicate with me and I with them. They have rock consciousness and when we can tune in to that, they are willing to share a lot of information with us. I know this sounds crazy to some people and that's fine. I talk to other supposedly inanimate objects and plants and animals, too.

A year or so ago, a friend and colleague of mine was moving and I felt inspired to give her one of my crystals. I looked through them, held them, and then felt one of them was the one to gift her with. It was a smaller, double-terminated elestial quartz - a stone that can be used for guidance, healing, and contacting the angelic realms. I didn't want to give this stone away but felt it needed to go and be with her. I gave it to her and forgot about it.

Two days ago, I got a box in the mail from this friend, opened it and found three gifts: a chaplet (similar to a rosary or mala), a piece of rose quartz (the ultimate love stone), and the elestial I had given her the year before. When I asked her about it, she said the crystal indicated it had done its work with her and it was time for the crystal to return to me. Now I understood my reluctance to gift her with the stone in the first place.

Here's where it gets really good. My birthday is my new year and every year there is one crystal that is my main one to work with that year. Sometimes I purchase a new one and other times a crystal I already have steps forward to be my special stone. My birthday is in early October and this is the time of year I assess where I've been in the past 12 months and where I think I might be headed in the next 12. It is also time to find out who will be my special crystal for the year. Yes, of course, this one raised its little energetic hand and say, "I am - that's why I came back now!"

Thank you to my friend who listened to the crystal and sent it back to me. We are having a great reunion and are looking forward to the work we'll be doing over the next year. I know this all sounds crazy to those who don't believe in or haven't experienced the aliveness in rocks. That's okay. You can just say, "Oh, that Krysta must be totally stoned out of her mind!" I guess in a way I am.

I'm doing it!

If I get the same message three times, I take it as validation. Three people, independently of one another, shared with me how much using a CPAP machine has helped them. Thanks, Charlie, Harvey, and Murray. That, along with my pendulum saying this is a good idea for me, was enough to convince me I should go down this path.

As many of you know, I am a huge believer in using and following my intuition and this is the way I live my life. Because of this, I also know how important it can be to validate my intuition when the situation is so close to me that there is a chance I am misreading the information. This is why I have come up with the three times rule for myself. It's pretty difficult to lie to myself three times!

I'm happy with my decision and now await a call from the company that provides the equipment so I can get started. One of the questions I asked myself was this: "What if using the CPAP machine heals my heart AFib?" That also helped me stop being so stubborn about the issue and get to my "yes!"

I'll let you know what happens as I move forward with this delightful life journey!

What will I do?

It's a mystery at this point. I'm honestly not sure what I will decide to do. Here's the update.

I went to the sleep doctor because my PCP and Cardiologist wanted to rule out sleep apnea as the culprit for my heart's irregular heartbeat. The sleep doctor agreed with me that I have no symptoms of sleep apnea. At her encouragement, I decided to take the home sleep test to make my other two doctors happy. The results came in. I have "mild sleep apnea."

Immediately, the sleep doctor wants to prescribe a CPAP machine for me. Not so fast, I say to myself. After doing some online research, I learned that some doctors recommend not treating mild sleep apnea this way. I have resistance to beginning treatment for this condition that, in my humble opinion, isn't a problem for me. Would starting to use the CPAP machine cause some part of my system to get weaker rather than strengthen it?

I got in touch with my PCP but he is out of town for a few weeks. I will wait to make my decision until I speak with him.

It looks to me like I have fallen into some sort of loop that doesn't make sense. No symptoms. Test shows a "mild" case that might not be a case at all. The establishment immediately wants me to start treatment that some say I shouldn't do and don't need. Is this how we end up losing our self-determination in regards to our health? At what point do we take the risk to follow our intuition rather than societal pressure?

I am quite sure the medical professionals with whom I am dealing are all good people. I believe they are each sincere in their own way. I believe they believe that what they are saying and doing is right. I also know they are subject to insurance companies and larger organizations who want to be sure they cover their physician "butts." Is this always in the interest of the patient?

At this point, I am taking no action. I am waiting for my PCP to return and will talk with him. In the meantime, I am getting better and stronger every day doing the things I am doing. Less is more sometimes. I think this is one of those times. I guess we'll see!

Go to the balcony!

I tell myself and others that when we seem to get bogged down in the minutiae of our lives, feeling like what's going on is so darned important, to imagine ourselves floating out in space looking back at  the planet. When you do this, you see what a small - although important - part of the whole picture you really are. This little exercise helps to cut down on the drama in our lives and keeps even the worst experiences in perspective.

Recently, I was listening to a recorded talk by Unity minister Rev. Annie Lonardelli, guest speaker at the Unity Center in Everett, WA. She talked about this idea in a different way and I love it. She was talking about having this sense of being the witness and said we need to view our lives from the balcony.

This allows us to see life in a better, higher perspective. Instead of everything being so gosh darned important, we can get some distance and, maybe, experience our lives with a broader perspective.

Especially if we're dealing with health-related issues where we have to be involved in tests, treatments, protocols, insurance companies, etc..., it is easy to be sucked into this world and forget we live on a much higher plane. Now, if I find myself starting to get pulled in, I tell myself: "Krysta, go to the balcony." Works every time! I reclaim my inner peace, focus, and big-picture perspective. It even works when dealing with my young dog Pearl Magnolia who isn't yet a perfect canine citizen. Give it a try, move to the balcony - the view is so much clearer.

Why doesn't it work?

It's too bad so many religions beat us up using the Christian Bible since it is a very good book with tons of wisdom. Many of us see ourselves as recovering Catholics/Baptists/Mormons (choose your brand) because the religion of our childhood used this great book to tell us we were bad, wrong, evil, sinful (choose your label here). One day we saw through this scam and reclaimed our spirituality. Too often, however, we threw away some precious teachings. Now it's time to reclaim those as well.

How about this one? "Ask and you shall receive?" How often do you ask and ask for something or some situation only to see it elude you time and again? Why doesn't this work? After all, it's in the Bible, right? Here's why it doesn't work - we leave out a very important part of the teaching. It says "Ask...believing....." How often do we ask or affirm something only to say to ourselves or someone else, "That'll never happen."

We have to believe and expect that what we seek can and is already ours. And we have to know there is always a higher Power handling things for us, a Power that can see behind our request and give us what we need even if it isn't what we think we want.

When it comes to the issue of our health, it's very easy to talk ourselves out of the believing piece, isn't it? Sometimes it's very difficult to believe our health will improve the way we want it to and, truthfully, it might not. We might not get what we want. How can this be reconciled with "Ask and you shall receive?"

We end each prayer "...this or something better, with ease and grace for the highest good of all concerned." In other words, we acknowledge that what we're asking for might not be for the best and we just can't see this from our limited human perspective. This is another way to say "...if it be the will of God." A minister criticized me one time for the ending I use and said I should say "...if it be the will of God." I think it is semantics because the will of God is for the highest good of all concerned.

We ask, believing that what happens is for the highest and best for all concerned - that follows the formula and that is something we can do. Why not give this a try next time you're praying for something and see if it doesn't bring you greater peace and sense of wholeness?

Is it okay to be annoyed?

We had a discussion at my house today. Several things had happened that I felt annoyed about. My spouse of  28 years thought I was annoyed with her so I made it clear I wasn't.

But then I said, "Look, I am not a saint and sometimes things happen that annoy me and I need to let myself feel annoyed." She responded, "As long as you aren't annoyed with me." To which I said, "We'll make a deal - if I am annoyed with you, I'll let you know and we'll deal with it. Otherwise, just let me be annoyed!"

I know I have written here before about the importance of letting ourselves be real and feel what we feel without being trapped. What I have learned is feelings are temporary and the sooner we acknowledge them, the sooner they pass through our system. It's when we don't allow them to float up and out that we are in bondage to them. This is true of positive and negative feelings.

Let's talk briefly about being annoyed. Sometimes, I get annoyed when things don't go my way. Sound familiar? My goal, which I sometimes meet, is to be able to experience all life has to offer with equanimity. No matter if things are going my way or not, can I stay in my center and simply let things be what they are without labeling them good or bad? And oddly enough, I have found this includes feelings I may or may not like!

Can I stay in my center and let the feelings pass through without the need to capture and feed them? Feelings are very much like stray cats: feed them and they keep coming back. Simply acknowledging they are there without feeding them allows them to go back into the woods and catch some mice for dinner.

I am no longer annoyed at the various situations that aren't going my way today. I'll deal with them as I always do and enjoy living from my center. What about you? Is there some feeling you're feeding instead of letting it go? Do you want to let it go? Great - all you have to do is say it is so and it is!

Maybe you use mudras and don't know it?

My friend and colleague Martha Norwalk shared a mudra with me, one that is supposed to help heal the heart. Because I didn't feel very well at the time and because I didn't write it down anywhere, I forgot how to do it. The other day, I remembered I had reviewed a book about mudras about a year or so ago. I don't keep every book I review; I give most of them away. I kept this one and pulled it out.

The book is Mudras - Yoga in Your Hands by Gertrude Hirschi. Mudras are hand positions that you frequently see statues of holy ones holding. Various mudras are said to elicit states of mind that can be enlightening, soothing, or energizing.

Sure enough, there are several mudras that are specifically for improving heart functioning. I chose two of them and have been using them daily. In re-reading parts of the book, I found a section that talks about the various meridian points in the body that are reflected in our hands and Hirschi writes about ways to relax or stimulate various parts of our bodies based on how we touch or hold our hands. It reminds me of foot reflexology and is fascinating stuff.

This led me to wonder about various crafts and arts we engage in. For instance, knitters and crocheters will tell you how relaxing it is to practice our craft. Crocheting is not only relaxing for me, it is very meditative. Now I wonder what meridians I'm touching with the various stitches I make. I know some of you who read this blog are musicians and others are visual artists. Woudn't it be interesting to know what's happening when you play various pieces of music or hold your paint brush or pencil?

Placing both of your hands in the prayer position in front of your heart is said to promote calm and peace. No wonder so many people and traditions use it! And the position many people use in meditation - touching thumb to forefinger - is said to connect us to the Divine. Maybe give one of these a try and see what happens for you!

Compromise makes the world go round

When did compromise become a bad word? In today's Washington Post, Senator John McCain calls on his fellow political leaders to sit down together and compromise. Truthfully, this is how anything of significance gets done. Somehow things changed and folks began to think they aren't effective unless they get exactly what they want and to hell with everyone else. The world doesn't work that way - at least not in a democracy which is what we are supposed to have here in the United States.

Ask people who've been married a long time and they will tell you they don't get their way all the time. Successful relationships between adults are built on compromise. We should expect no less from the people we elected to office. We need them to get systems in place that serve as many people as possible. We need the healthcare issue resolved. We need the immigration issue resolved. We need to create an atmosphere of equality and opportunity for everyone.

As John McCain did in his article, we need to remind our elected officials who they work for and who they are accountable to: us - not big businesses, not the president, not foreign powers or leaders. The only way they will realize this is by our speaking up and making our voices heard. It is so easy these days to communicate via email or telephone. If you can go to town hall meetings or visit your representative in their offices, great. If not, phone and email work.

Realize you might not get everything exactly the way you want it to be - compromises will most likely have to be made for the good of all. As long as we're moving in a direction that supports the vision and ideals on which this country was founded, we'll be okay. This will happen only if we participate in the process and make our voices heard.