What do you do when people won’t do what you want them to do?

Without sharing details, I am trying to help a family member who’s having a difficult time. Sometimes she states she wants to do something that seems very wise. Because of her health conditions, I offer to help with whatever it is and spend time researching the issue. When I bring the information to her, she acts as if she never asked for my help, sets the information aside, and says she has to think about it as if it was my idea and not hers.

This happened again yesterday. As I sat there watching her read the information I had gotten for her at her request, I realized this was about to happen again. At first I felt frustrated and angry, minimized and invisible. I paid attention to my breath and waited. I realized I was upset because she wasn’t behaving the way I thought she should.

She should be grateful I am trying to help her. I went to great effort to be there for her and try to help. She should move in the direction she herself said she wanted to go. She shouldn’t need to sit and contemplate the information I had already digested on her behalf. She should just follow my lead and get on with doing what needed to be done.

And while I was watching myself and listening to my own thoughts, I realized my issue was that she wasn’t behaving the way I thought she should. How often is this the basis of difficulties between people? I told myself she has every right to be herself and to make her own decisions. Even if I think she is being foolish or stubborn, she has the right to live her life the way she wants to live it. Yes, this is more difficult to do when her decisions have the potential to have a negative impact on my life. She still has that right. I just have to find a way to honor and support her the best I can while taking care of myself, too.

The conversation ended with her saying, “I don’t know if I want to do this or not. I have to think about it.” To which I responded, “Yes, it is a big decision.” That was the common ground I could find with her. Sometimes it is very difficult to step back and let other people do what they think is best, especially when it can impact your life. The truth is we can’t force people to our point of view and need to keep our opinions to ourselves and just support them the best way we can. This is what I will do and be grateful for the insights the situation offers me.